Dear Drew, I’ve long lusted after one of my professors. Previously, I’d either been entangled with a girlfriend or believed that this was impossible. But now, I’m unfettered by a girlfriend and emboldened by the impending graduation date. I’ve done well with older women in the past and have a relatively personal relationship with this professor already. A long-term relationship is obviously out of the question, but I wouldn’t mind something more than a few scurrilous trips offcampus. What do you know, Drew? Has this been done before? Done commonly? What can I do to bring my dreams to sweet reality? -Cravin’ it in the cupola I promised at the beginning of the year to do my best to answer any questions sent to me, which includes questions I suspect were sent in jest. In the event that your question is serious, Cravin’, I feel like it’s my duty to fill you in on the facts, so as much as it pains me to do so, I’m afraid I have to quote the student handbook: “Consensual amorous and/ or sexual relationships between students and faculty, advisors, coaches, or others holding positions of authority over them are fervently discouraged and in cases where a direct supervisory role exists, not permitted. The term “direct supervisory role” refers to many faculty responsibilities both in and out of the classroom including, but not limited to, teaching, academic advising, coaching (athletics, drama, etc.), and service on evaluation committees (honors, awards, prizes, etc.).” The handbook goes on to list reasons why student-faculty relationships are a terrible idea – all of which I think you should read – but the section quoted above raises some serious practical concerns. Is your “relatively personal relationship” one you cultivated in a student-advisor setting? Do you currently have a class with this professor? Do you have one scheduled next term? Any “yeses” to those questions have to become “nos” before any relationship is even allowable in the eyes of the university. However, even if the relationship is technically allowable, it is still “fervently discouraged” by the university. I’m not quite sure what that wording means, but I suspect it wouldn’t be great for this professor’s career to make decisions explicitly discouraged in the handbook. These facts lead me to the conclusion that any such relationship is far more trouble than it could possibly be worth, but you didn’t ask for my opinions, just how to make it happen. The bad news for you – but good news for my conscience – is that I don’t have any good advice for attracting the attention of your desire. The fact that this is a person who only ever sees you in class and pays particular attention to your typos only adds to the difficulty. Normally, I would advise trying to call attention to yourself – preferably the good kind of attention. In a more typical setting, this could mean at least coming off as funny or charming or intelligent. While this is already difficult to do without seeming too strained or contrived, it becomes next to impossible to do solely in a classroom setting. Think about anybody who talks a lot in class. These are the most annoying people on the planet. It doesn’t matter if they have a good joke, or demonstrate knowledge everybody already knows, it always seems show-offy or self-indulgent, and is only tolerable because we all know the professor hates it as much as the rest of class. So how do you attract good attention in this situation? I’d be inclined to say through hard work in the class, but I’m not sure even mastery of the course material will be seen as impressive in any professor’s eyes. We’re talking about someone who has studied her chosen field for years, so even the most impressive mastery of undergraduate-level material is cuter for trying to be impressive than anything else. In the end, while I’m sure these things happen, I suspect they’re more the result of the professor being a creepy old lech than actually being interested in who the student in question is. If this is the case, my best advice is for you to become unspeakably attractive – too attractive for anyone, professor or no, to refuse. Good luck with that.