As finals season rapidly approaches, we would like to share with our readers the best places to cry on campus. Whether you’re opting for a few quick tears or a full-on sob session, let our extensive knowledge of secret cried-outs (‘cried’ plus ‘hideouts’) be your astral guide.
“I like to cry into the Fox River. It’s a great way to help the environment by diluting the toxic water. Whether your eyes are a gushing spigot or a leaky faucet, your problems will be just a drop in the ocean (or river) compared to the massive amounts of green sludge surging down stream.”
–Variety Editor Claire Zimmerman
“When I have to get a good cry out, I like to go by the David Bowie mural downtown. That way, when the tears have subsided, I can look up at the late, great alien king and know that everything is going to be alright. It’s good to remember that Ziggy Stardust has got my back.”
–Features Editor Genevieve Cook
“You can catch me crying at the West Wisconsin Avenue Target in the Patio & Garden section on Wednesdays and Thursdays from 2 p.m. – 3:30 p.m.”
–News Editor Allegra Taylor
“My preferred sobbing spot is the confocal microscope room in the basement floor of Stietz Hall. This room is one of the most secluded places on campus. It’s a room within a room which only limited people have access to. The best part about the room is that the Kim Wipes stocked for the microscope lens work for your tears too.”
–Managing Editor Shane Farrell
“The Warch fourth floor bathrooms are the Cadillac of meltdown-friendly areas. They are isolated, clean and soundproof. Here, you can cry, unleash a fit of violent rage or lay on the floor in the fetal position for 30 minutes undisturbed. The Warch fourth floor bathrooms get a 10/10 Max Craig Bathroom Rating (MCBR).”
–Copy Editor Max Craig
“Within the pool.”
–A&E Editor Bridget Bartal
“Into the Dyson Airblades so it’s immediately vaporized and returned to humidify the atmosphere.”
–Copy Chief Peter Ericksen
“One great place to let your feelings flow is the Hiett laundry room.”
–Copy Editor Wendell Leafstedt
“Why hide your feelings in a secluded room? Share your avalanche of stress-tears with the professors by openly crying during exams. There can only be two outcomes: 1) the professor, by pity and the mercy in their heart, passes the whole class at the sight of your pain or 2) the tears smudge your writing so much that it is ineligible anyway. What can’t be interpreted can’t be wrong.”
–Photo Editor Larissa Davis
“I’m way, way too tough for crying. Tears? Suck them back up into your face, that’s what I say. I’m not wasting my body’s precious water supply on this ‘crying’ garbage. I came out of the womb stone-faced and ready for action.”
–Editor-in-Chief Ali Shuger
“Be transported to your late grandparents’ living room in the Kruse room on the fourth floor of the Seeley G. Mudd library (which I have fondly dubbed the “SAD” room). Nothing accentuates your cascading tears better than the stark white light of the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lamp in the middle of the room. But shhhhh… keep it down, it’s a library.”
–Marketing Manager Caroline Garrow
“Seven miles southeast of campus, where the suns meet the sands.”
–Distributions Manager Alex Dahl
“Hot take: cry in the Wellness Center sauna. Is it sweat? Tears? No one knows.”
–Community Engagement Officer & Op-ed Editor Cassie Gitkin
We know you’re probably devastated that The Lawrentian is coming to a close for the term, but hopefully this article leaves you with plenty of places to release your eyeball juice. It’s been an honor being your Editorial Staff this term. Have a great summer!
