Hell is nothing but sand and oysters

As far as ingenuity and invention are concerned, we have reached the era of American extinction. Gone are the days of zippers, which once fused every limb of the body together and are now relegated to the shameful role of clothes-connector. Gone are the days of defibrillator paddles, cruelly replaced by the Luddite craze of AA battery bombardment. I once knew an America that valued floss and used it regularly, but that country is long dead. Everything Thomas Edison stood for has been laid to rest, although not before being brutally electrocuted. In the eyes of ol’ Theivin’ Tom, as the saying goes, “the day is ain’t wrapped ‘til an elephant’s been zapped.”

There is one invention, dating back to the early 19th century, that continues to shine over the darkened tombs of the Unknown Folgers. Thanks to America’s Wahlbergiest state, humanity knows the unrestrained joy of oyster crackers. Oyster crackers are not just the best cracker in the modern culinary lexicon; they are the pinnacle of human achievement and the only evidence that humanity is capable of selfless achievement.

To those who would challenge the greatness of the oyster cracker, answer this: Is there a single style of soup that would not be improved by the addition of two gallons of oyster crackers? Every meal, regardless of soup content, can be improved by fistfuls of oyster crackers delivered straight to the gullet. This includes oysters themselves, which would be benefitted by being oyster crackers instead of their disgusting selves.

I am not saying that oysters should be replaced by oyster crackers in meals. Oyster crackers are so incredible, they should take the place of every oyster on earth.

First of all, oysters suck. It is of the utmost importance that this is clear before moving further. Oysters are dumb little finger traps who have the nerve not to be kosher, and they are by far the most disgusting speed-eating food. Every oyster-eating competition sounds exactly the same: “Here we are in scenic New England, home of the boys in very silly hats. The contestants are about to beg-SHHHLUUURP SHLICK SLLLUPP THUP THIP SSWSHLAW,” at which point the FCC steps in to cut the audio to protect the American viewing public. There are also large numbers of people who have serious allergies to shellfish, but I have yet to meet anyone who is incapable of eating oyster crackers. (Some of you might be thinking that the lil buds are not good for celiac sufferers, but they are a unique exception to the gluten rule, provided you pat your stomach three times and whisper “Just be cool” to yourself while you eat them.)

I am also sorry to inform you that oysters, at some point between the beginning of time and this very moment, have developed some strange culture that dwells in the early-aughts web design corner of the internet. One website, daringly titled Oysterguide.com, has a quiz that tells you what type of oyster eater you are. ‘Quiz’ is actually a misnomer—the website just lists twelve(!) different styles of eater you can choose from, including titles like “The Brine Hound,” “The Wino,” and the “Shrinking Violet.” Their blog also features posts titled “The Royal Oysterbaums” and “Hama Hama Oyster Rama.” Only by removing oysters from the face of the earth can we save ourselves from this sort of god-awful wordplay and force the likely perpetrators of such a crime against dignity, who I can only assume are New England’s retirees, to find a better use of their time.

Moving on, I would like to propose another beach-themed improvement that will dramatically increase the quality of life on Earth.

All sand should be replaced with graham cracker dust.

Have you ever been to the beach? I have, and it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Aside from getting charbroiled by the sun within minutes, I was also mortified to realize that the beach is chock-full of sand. I quickly learned that sand has a terrible mouthfeel and tastes only slightly better than anything on the menu at Burger King.

There are several reasons why graham cracker dust is the best replacement for sand, the first being that it is visually similar to most sand. If we were to replace sand with some dumb, horrible ingredient like MSG, the shock would be so horrific that nobody would ever return to the beach again. Luckily, nobody has ever suggested replacing anything with MSG, let alone on a platform where they would be encroaching on my turf.

Graham cracker dust is also tasty, but not so tasty that it could get you all hot and bothered. The act of eating graham crackers is a definitive entrance into the No-Bone-Zone. This is a real fact: graham crackers were invented by Sylvester Graham, a 19th century evangelical minister who thought that the key to quelling sexual urges was whole wheat. Your days of not knowing that graham crackers were meant to be The Lord’s Horny Antidote are over, friendo.

Graham cracker dust is also much more aromatic and charming than regular ol’ sand. When the water inevitably makes everyone sticky and prone to acquiring a light layer of seasoning when they return to the beach itself, a shore of graham cracker crumbs would make everyone smell delightful. I have no desire to be coated in sand for the rest of the day, but I would not hesitate to don swim trunks and an oversized, ill-fitting T-shirt if it meant I would smell like cinnamon sugar the rest of the day. This effect is even better if you partake in cannibalism or enjoy smelling strangers on the subway!

Replacing all sand with graham cracker dust might have some troubling implications on a larger scale, but I have the utmost faith in humanity and our ability to find solutions to these new problems. We can make glass out of something else, like hardened Ziploc bags. Deserts would be changed from an imposing, barren landscape to a dessert paradise. Oysters and sand are some of the ocean’s worst features, and no price is too high for their speedy removal from the face of the earth.