As someone who gets bullied by teens on a regular basis, I am keyed in to the hip youthful trends of today. My experience in the teen scene, coupled with a truly reckless degree of self-confidence, has allowed me to stumble upon truths that are otherwise overlooked. Scientists can weigh test tubes and spit on…
I am the future of babysitting
Although it rarely receives accolades as a national pastime and treasure, babysitting is as American as hot dogs, graphic tees and saying that apple pie is solely rooted in American cuisine. Despite our many differences as a diverse and complex national population, we Americans come together time and time again to let our children be…
You are not smarter than a banana
Hello, you miscreant spreaders of turpitude on Appleton’s turpitudinest campus. I hope you all are having a fine term. College is definitely one of the most school-related periods of your life and the odds are good that you will never spend this much money on anything again. What, you think you might ever be a…
When I die, respect my body
The last week of freezing temperatures has inspired me to revel in my own mortality, even more than the slate of events and homework assignments at Lawrence usually does. My place of employment—really more of a charitable use of my time, since I make the majority of my income off of my production of co-branded…
Gather ‘round, children, it is time to eat Kirby
Hey kiddo! Having a good winter? Find any more birds in the snow like you did last spring? Take a seat, buddy. I have been talking to all the other pops in the neighborhood and we have decided that you need to know the truth about living and its opposite: sleeping in the dusty corner…
Mole-people food is the next big thing
Hey, everyone. Dan here. I went on a week-long sabbatical to realign my scapulae after they entered their rebellious phase and went swimming in the meat soup of my chest cavity. I was not made aware of who might have filled in for me last week, but I am excited to be back on the…
Your potatoes make me sad
Sweet potatoes! Ye orange beacons shining forth from the shadowy memories of Thanksgiving, ye starchy suitors after my own heart in these wintry doldrums—snow has fallen and you all have completed your return from the depths of the earth. Each dawn has witnessed a vista of orange tubers, protecting the vulnerable dirt from unforgiving sunlight.…
I demand a Shame Cubicle
The blank canvas of a six-week winter break can be intimidating for even the most super of seniors, and I found myself quaking with fear at the prospect of a month and a half of pre-winter term dread. Lacking the means to go abroad or the patience to spend time with my family, I decided…
Disney makes your post-apocalyptic snacks
Change is scary, especially when you find yourself moving from the world you knew into an unfamiliar hellscape of droughts, war and starvation. The world depends on everyone working together in one interconnected, unselfish effort to prevent a global sand-bonanza. As much as I would like to be optimistic, it helps to prepare for the…
You dine like a coward
Most of the time, I try to be understanding of other people. I realize that everyone is raised with different values. I know that expecting everyone I meet to tolerate my beliefs is short-sighted and self-centered. But I am tired of feeling like a martyr. I am tired of feeling persecuted for my own beliefs,…