Disney makes your post-apocalyptic snacks

Change is scary, especially when you find yourself moving from the world you knew into an unfamiliar hellscape of droughts, war and starvation. The world depends on everyone working together in one interconnected, unselfish effort to prevent a global sand-bonanza. As much as I would like to be optimistic, it helps to prepare for the worst.

Water crises are looming and it is a near-certainty that humans will resort to cannibalism within a month of the almond supply running out. A lot of survival movies portray cannibalism as some horrible, last-ditch practice that represents the depths humans will reach to survive. This is a disingenuous and misguided reading of the Chomp Genre. These movies are informative and show that we claim to abhor cannibalism in public while secretly searching for spits and seasoning in trying times. Anthony Hopkins’ documentary about lambs and cannibalism shows that meals can go beyond raw meat and bone marrow, too. Even Johnathan Swift has been trying to destigmatize cannibalism since 1729.

Fortunately for the enterprising two-eyed, no-horned, walkin’ would-be people eater, Walt Disney himself left a trail of breadcrumbs leading to the ideal meal. Speaking in code about the necessary traits for cannibalistic trendsetters, Disney said, “Courage is the main quality of leadership, in my opinion, no matter where it is exercised. Usually it implies some risk — especially in new undertakings. Courage to initiate something and to keep it going, pioneering and adventurous spirit to blaze new ways, often, in our land of opportunity.” Another cryptic quote reveals the specifics of Disney’s “opportunity”: “I am corny, you know? But I think there are just about 140 million people in this country who are just as corny as I am.” Clearly, Disney thought that humans were edible and his assertion that the “minds of children” were the nation’s greatest resource shows that the first group to be eaten should be former Disney stars. To be more specific, we cannibals should eat the Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Hilary Duff and Shia LaBeouf.

Shia is the most obvious choice, and not just because his last name means beef. The rascal was in a movie called American Honey, which I assume is a 90 minute video of Shia sitting in a dark room, pouring honey on his head while singing the national anthem. Yum! American Honey was made well after Shia’s Disney years, but there is ample evidence from his Even Stevens days to back up Disney’s goal. The fact that his best friend was named Beans is a dead giveaway, but food was also an integral part of the Even Stevens mythology. LaBeouf starred in many food-related episodes, including, “Your Toast,” “King Sloppy,” “Raiders of the Lost Sausage,” “Duck Soup,” “Deep Chocolate” and “Foodzilla.” Shia also showed a love of pancakes in the episode where he started Lumberjack Club at his school, and drank oodles of milk in the hypnosis episode. LaBeouf has been seasoning himself for years under the Disney banner. Much like Shia, there is another former Disney celebrity entity that has broken down over the years and found itself relegated to trivia.

Who am I to say which Jonas Brother is best suited for consumption? It seems unfair to pry them apart, especially since they will all be eaten anyway once the world turns to sand and NASCAR offshoots. No matter what order you choose, the Jo-Bros have been inserting themselves into the national food conversation for years. Their rendition of the Baby Bottle Pop theme was just a taste of their nutritional obsession. Two of their hit songs, “SOS” and “Year 3000,” are framed by meals. The first line of “SOS” reads, “Told you I made dinner plans,” while the first line of “Year 3000” is “One day, when I came home at lunchtime.” The song “Pizza Girl,” while primarily describing the exploits of a creep who is attracted to someone who is just trying to do her job, also claims that the speaker eats “pizza every day.” This, coupled with the song “Burnin’ Up,” shows that the Jonas Brothers have been foreshadowing their own fattening and cooking for years. Some of these hints may have fallen by the wayside over the years, but another former Disney star has been explicit about food as recently as 2015.

Miley Cyrus has received far too much undue criticism. Anyone who is sensitive to the worsening state of the planet can Miley that she has been revealing her role as one of the best food options for 2030. In the documentary miniseries Hannah Montana, she starred in episodes titled “You Give Lunch A Bad Name,” “No Sugar, Sugar” and “Judge Me Tender.” The latter is most poignant in its true context: food begging to be deemed worthy of eating. Cyrus’ food views are even more apparent in her stunning lyricism. In the song “Slab of Butter,” Cyrus writes, “I feel like a slab of butter that is melting in the sun / Aggression melts away now that you and me are one.” Cyrus alludes to the cooking process and the combinatory effects of eating on food and consumer. Cyrus thoughtfully contributes to the nutrition conversation in her work of sung poetry “Milky Milky Milk”: “The milky, milky / The milky, milky, milky milk / The milky, milky, milk / The milky, milky, milk / The milky, milky milk.” Miley, much like Shia and the Jonas Brothers, has been fixating on food for years. But while the justification for eating these former stars is on the merits of their food fixation and taste, there is another star that must be eaten for the preservation of humanity.

Without proper action in the wake of Earth’s Environmental Indigestion, Hilary Duff will consume us all. Duff is not just interested in consuming others; she possesses the means to take on any opponent and create a Children of the Corn fantasia where only the young are spared. In a Walmart-sponsored, four episode web series titled Staying Fresh with Hilary Duff, Hilary displays her unequaled food preparation knowledge. She was trained to kill in Cadet Kelly and showed her duplicitousness by having her older sister stand in for her singing in the Lizzie McGuire Movie. Most importantly, she yearns for blood. In the song “Youngblood,” Duff sings, “If you got young blood, this is our time / Hands up, touch the skyline / Tonight, yea, I’ma get mine / If you got young blood, blood, blood, blood.” Later in the song, Duff’s lyrics read, “Who wants to walk on the wire? / Dance in the fire / Never get old.” Another Duff classic, “Our Lips are Sealed,” asserts, “It’s a weapon which we must use in our defense / Silence / Spreading rumors, so far from true.” In the span of just two songs, Duff paints an image of a society overrun by repressive teens, overcome with bloodlust and an obsession with eternal life. Walt Disney intended for us to consume former Disney stars when the planet becomes a blood-desert in 2030. If we do not act quickly, Hilary Duff will consume every one of us. God help us all.