None of you can be trusted to dress well

You want to know what I think? Our student body is far too divided, as represented by the outrageous choices in clothing I have seen people wear around campus. If students cannot be trusted to dress themselves suitably, then a uniform must be implemented. The time has come for a streamlined uniform that everyone here at Lawrence University can get behind. Beyond the sheer ignorance for fashion I have seen people display here on campus, we are, more importantly, drifting apart as a population. To fix both the fashion faux-pas and this divide, a school uniform should be enforced. It is time for something classy yet playful. Something flashy, but not over the top. As a leader in hot takes and unexpected op-eds, I propose the new school uniform for Lawrence University students.

Lawrence’s student body has been at odds with itself for decades. As a school that boasts both a formidable college in addition to its impressive conservatory, it is only natural that a rift would begin to form between these college students and conservatory students. It is up to us, as students of a united university, to work together on bridging this gap. I am doing my part by introducing Lawrence University’s school uniform.

To choose a uniform that would encapsulate the spirit of the Wisconsin liberal arts, I turned to the original Wisconsin icon — Barbara Millicent Roberts. Yes, that is correct. The inspiration for Lawrence University’s brand-new school uniforms is Barbie — specifically, Totally Hair© 25th anniversary Barbie, whose sultry yet subtle fit is just what Lawrence University needs to streamline its student body.

Totally Hair© Barbie is swathed in hot pink, purple, pink, and turquoise swirls of color that make up a long-sleeved dress that ends just above the knees. She wears hot pink heels, tulle hair accessories and statement pink earrings. Her counterpart, Totally Hair© Ken wears matching purple parachute pants, white sneakers and a dress shirt displaying the same beautiful colorful swirls that are on Barbie’s dress. Obviously, Lawrence students would be encouraged to dye and cut their hair to match either Ken or Barbie — either Ken’s feathered medium brown ‘do or Barbie’s platinum blonde floor length crimped ‘do with curled bangs. Lawrence students can feel free to mix and match Barbie’s and Ken’s outfits and hairstyles, as long as they subscribe to the integrity of the Totally Hair© style.

Besides streamlining the student body at Lawrence, these uniforms would do so much more for our school, ultimately fostering a more practical and positive environment. First of all, Barbie’s high heels prove extremely practical for everyday wear. High heels promote building muscular calves as well as strengthening pelvic floor muscles. Both Barbie and Ken’s bright colors will help prevent you from falling asleep during class, keep you safe while crossing the street and overall promote happier interactions with people. Even Barbie’s long hair comes with benefits. Her long hair can double as a scarf during those cold Wisconsin winters, and you can even reenact Lady Godiva’s legendary horseback outing.

It is clear that Lawrence University is in dire need of a school uniform. The political climate here between the conservatory students and the college students has been fraught with tension. By clothing everyone in the same uniforms, the student body will be pulled together as a unit of friendship and love. Since it is clear that a uniform is the way to go, it is necessary that the uniform chosen to represent Lawrence’s students must be fashion forward as well as practical and reminiscent of our values as a university. Totally Hair© Barbie’s outfit embodies everything Lawrence as a school strives to represent. Join me in advocating for a school uniform, and together, we can be a stronger, more unified student body capable of taking on the world.