Drink some oil, ya big galoot

Buckle up, you! Yes, you, with the chapped lips and strange hands holding this very newspaper. You might claim that most things are fine, but you and I know that a claim like that is pure tommyrot!

Allow me just a moment of your time to tell you about an innovation so fine that it could make Hippocrates’ eyes shine. Shine with envy, that is! You may have noticed that these past few weeks have been quite the trying time with seemingly no end in sight.

The news may seem to worsen by the day, but I can see in the luxurious purple shading the bags beneath your eyes that you have also been suffering from other deathly serious ailments. You might have a smidge of self-loathing and a dab of despair, but closer examination reveals a serious case of Hexagon Kneecaps and Defibrillated Nose Hair too.

Help is on the way, my good friend, because I have a solution. All you need for this Patent-Pending Miracle Cure-All as Sent from Good-Hearted Ingenuity is your friendly neighborhood bathtub and a brand-spanking-new vat of olive oil.

The best remedy for any ailment or problem in your life can be cured by olive oil. Bad news got you down? Take a vacay to olive town! Color and joy bleeding out from your days? Remind yourself how olive oil tastes! Cast those other charlatans out with the oily, secondhand bathwater. I have the real deal, with no folderol like the hogwash other “good Samaritans” will pawn off on you.

Understanding folks like yourself might be familiar with uses for olive oil that go well beyond the walls of the kitchen. Some webbed-sites claim olive oil can be used as furniture polish, a skin exfoliator, an earache cure, or really anything that requires a good, viscous fluid!

Believe you me, other webbed-sites will tell you that you can use this Olive Sweat to condition not only your own hair, but your cat’s fur and the leather on your boots as well. These are all fine and noble pursuits, but they can use any old olive oil, not premium bathtub oil.

Fortunately, I can see that you are too smart for that ruse. I will take even more time out of my busy day to show you the secret to a life long in the tooth and a set of bones so quiet that even a cartoon skeleton would have trouble playing a concerto on your spine!

Unrivaled by medicine, better than any other form of nutrition, A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil will carry you through your troubles better than a man on the sand with a hole in each hand!

Last year, my great-aunt was said to have the worst case of Sticky Bones a doctor ever did see, but after a quick dip in the heirloom tub of our family’s olive oil, she was running more smoothly than a waxed sea otter.

Lapping up A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil will also cure you of the ant colony that shacked up in your chest cavity without your knowing. It may be a small colony right now, but that is precisely why you need evict those ten ant tenants before things get out of hand.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. I am just a man espousing his deeply-held belief that drinking from or soaking in A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil is the solution to any problem.

Friend, let me ask you this—what is most medical knowledge if not the opinion of many, many doctors? Great Caesar Dressing’s Ghost, some folks in white coats might boast of “evidence” and “double-blind trials” and all that hokum, but I can give you the best, most reliable evidence of all: anecdotes! With the wisdom from these tales, you and your friends will know your onions in no time.

Ol’ Doc Stirrupster once told my mom and pop that I had an incurable case of Round Teeth. But lo and behold, a chug here and a glug there from A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil fixed me right up. Now my teeth are the Eel’s Hips!

Like any person who is “in the know,” you surely have heard the tale of a car that refuses to turn left, no matter how many times its owner gives it a hearty kick in the mudflaps. With a quick dip in a Bathtub Full of Olive Oil, however, that car will be spinning its axle in no time!

Incidentally, the ol’ Quick Dip will advance your aim to improve your kick-ball game too, if you can spare the extra forty-five minutes for a thorough soak. A quick dip will also be a boon if you find yourself half-seas over before noon!

Vipers with no morals at all might try to shame you over your recent plight in the produce section. I, too, have experienced those trying periods in life when all oranges begin to taste like grapes, and I can tell you here and now that there is indeed a fix for that very problem: simply acquire A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil and spread a handful of that Viscous Gold on the nape of your neck. That citrus paradise will be blessing your taste buds in no time! If that dastardly Swine Flu makes another appearance on the global stage, go ahead and rub some on your ankles too.

Even if you find yourself in that narrow window of time when some galoot is soon to sock your jaw — but your teeth have yet to begin the Beguine — A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil will save your hide. Just spit out the tub-ful you drank prior to the fight and the puncher will run away with silky hair and rejuvenated skin.

Ossified fools from the past might be nitpicking the vagueness of “tub-ful.” Well, any mathematician can tell you that a single unit of One Bathtub is a shifting entity that relies on your own preferences, but for the best results with A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil I recommend nothing less than a tub fit for a Taft.

I plan to publish my full set of tables for proper sipping/dipping methods soon, but suffice it to say that drinking a gallon every hour is a good place to start. Take two-hour naps in the Mediterranean Goo every four hours, but remember to keep that head above the oil! Some of the greatest minds of our generation have been lost to a Bathtub Full of Olive Oil. In the right hands — even your strange, shaky hands — A Bathtub Full of Olive Oil can be transformed from a foe of generational genius to the solution to any problem you might have.

Lesser folks could always try to solve your problems by other means, but to quote my great-grandfather, “the bad news keeps comin’ — best get chuggin’. An olive oil treat is the last hope for ennui!”