The Oscars just happened, and you bet I have something to
say about them. Actually, I do not have anything to say about the Oscars in
particular. I just do not like movies.* Movies are stupid and bad. Fight me on
this. You will probably win. But this is my article, and I think movies are
dumb. Here are reasons I think movies are dumb:
Movies are time consuming. Do you know all of the things
you could do if you were not spending time watching movies? You could do so
many things. You could take a walk outside and take pictures of birds and then
text the pictures to your dad and say “Dad, are you proud of me? I took
pictures of birds!” And he will be like, “Yes, I am so proud of you, Simone.
Keep up the good work.” I would not have that affirmation from my father if I
had watched a movie instead. Instead of spending time watching movies and
effectively wasting your life, you could go to a pumpkin patch and have a good
time with pumpkins. Side note: Pumpkin patches should be year-round. I am not
dumb and I know that pumpkins are annuals and have a growing season, but I
think that with the amount of innovation happening in the sciences, there would
be no problem manufacturing an artificial environment for pumpkins to grow in
no matter the season. Pumpkin patches are possibly the most fun things on
earth. They smell amazing —a natural mixture of dirt and hay and rotting
squash. And they are picturesque and wholesome. They are the exact opposite of
movies. Movies are dumb, and pumpkin patches are fun. Instead of watching
movies, you could have fun in a pumpkin patch.
Movies cause bladder problems. I am sure this has
happened to all of us. You are watching a movie in a theater when suddenly, the
liter of Diet Coke you previously ingested begins to weigh heavily on your
pelvis. Your bladder expands in a balloon-ish way, accommodating the urine your
kidneys filter. But enough is enough, and your bladder fills up all the way and
you have to pee like you have never peed in your life. But you cannot possibly
miss the movie you are so invested in, and so you hold it. You develop a
urinary tract infection, or maybe even a bladder infection because of this, and
life sucks for you for the next couple of weeks. If you were not watching a
movie, you would not have a UTI. It is as simple as that. Movies cause bladder
infections and urinary tract infections, and that is the gospel truth.
Think of the kind of people who are obsessed with movies.
Do you want to be like them? Do you actually care about cinematography and
scenes and shots and all of that crap? It is wasteful. Pick up a real
personality trait, like an interest in tarantulas or something fun.
*There are two exceptions: Kung Fu Panda 3 and Ocean’s Eleven. These are the only good movies. Every other movie is bad.