Appleton’s last winter was a brutal one. As the last bit of snow melts away and students emerge from their dorms more frequently, we as a campus become more aware of how vital sunlight is to the wellness of the student body. Campus Life and faculty have started to make plans to emphasize the healing powers of the sun on campus.
A recent survey conducted by the Wellness Labyrinth for the Physically Inclined reported that 100 percent of the student body had been outside on a sunny day before. Another 100 percent had been outside on a day that was not sunny. 90 percent said that they are interested in going out slightly more now that there is more sun and temperatures are no longer below zero degrees Fahrenheit. Students were incentivized to participate in this survey with the possibility of winning a gift card to the Vikings’ Dock store. Unfortunately, the survey was completely anonymous, so the gift card remains unclaimed.
With this new data, the secretary of the Office for the Betterment of Student Wellness and Engagement with the Natural World Around Them, Penny Lady, has formulated a new plan to improve the condition of every Lawrence student. Lady said, “Everyone uses Warch. It’s the crossroads of campus. I’ve occasionally seen it and I think it looks pretty neat. But I think it would look even better if it was five inches east, as it would allow for more sunlight into the building.”
Lady plans to move the entire building by the year 2026. “I don’t know if you’ve ever moved a building before,” Lady quipped, “but it’s not a small feat.” When asked, Lady reported that she had never moved a building either, but she emphasized, “They are big.” When asked why she wants to move the entire building, she said, “I think that moving a historic building is an honorable act. The Teakwood room has been cherished by all students and alumni since it was transferred here. That got me thinking about the possibility of moving more buildings. Let’s beef up our archives with this monumental change.”
Students are reporting a 2 percent receptivity to this project, as it will leave them without a campus center for an extended period of time. When asked about dining options, Lady said, “The food in the Conservatory should be enough. Conservatory students have spent enough time having to go to Warch. Now it’s time for the rest of campus to come to them.”