As all incoming Lawrentians know, there have been a lot of changes implemented this academic year. As opposed to changes in previous years, many of these have caused uproar within the student body. Among some of the most upsetting changes are new printing restrictions and changes to the meal plan.
Students are perplexed as to why there are so many new changes. Morale is at an all time low, with only the unsuspecting freshman class unaffected. Those who have known better times are appalled. Reporter Schmitty Newsmonger has elected to get to the bottom of why these upsetting changes have been made to our campus.
Determined to understand the effects of these new policies, Newsmonger spent a lot of time interviewing students. The general consensus was that students preferred the previous meal plan and were mildly upset about the printing. Newsmonger himself is outraged.
Newsmonger spent the first week of school searching for answers while his peers were hard at work in class. Newsmonger stated, “I only wish to learn the truth. Class does me no good.” While Newsmonger’s grades may suffer, his spirit remains strong.
Despite a week’s worth of snooping, Newsmonger was unable to obtain any real information that was not already known about the printing and the meal plan changes. This did not stop Newsmonger from forging a story.
Reporter Newsmonger pointed out, “There are fewer fruit and vegetables available on campus this term, at least in the Corner Store and in the Café. Have you noticed the submarine sandwiches they offer in the Corner Store don’t have tomato anymore? Don’t you think that’s odd?” When we at The Lawrentian responded that they are trying to include food more seasonally and that might be why these changes have been made, Newsmonger cut us off: “Listen, you can believe what you want, but you’re not seeing the whole story clearly!”
Because he had stepped foot once into the admissions office located in Chapman Hall, Newsmonger claims to be an expert on admissions policy. Newsmonger insisted, “One of Lawrence’s biggest selling points is our dedication to student health through the Wellness Center. Clearly they’re trying to malnourish us so that more students take advantage of their services!”
Once Newsmonger realized that we were unconvinced, he continued on with more desperate enthusiasm, “Students will be sad, depressed, weakened by the tribulations caused by this school. Morale will be at an all time low! And then, when we are at our worst, they’ll hit us with good news!”
We questioned Newsmonger about his theory. He gestured wildly and continued, “Fruit! Vegetables! Stickers! Tastier food in the Commons! Free printing for a day! I’m positive that Lawrence will provide us with these luxuries as school gets harder and our spirits fall low. This must be a scheme by the admissions team to keep retention rates up! You’ll see! By sixth week, we’ll be having the time of our lives with edible food and stickers!”
Newsmonger is now on probation from the newspaper. Unfortunately, conspiracy theories are not reputable stories that can be confidently published in The Lawrentian. We appreciate the sacrifices that Newsmonger made for our cause, but they were ultimately unwanted.