Lore-ence: “The Everything Fair”

Athletics, orchestra, band, choir, extracurriculars, jobs and academics: So many Lawrentians sport many of these different focuses on their resumés by the end of their time at Lawrence University. But while they are here, who can really keep track of everything that people are involved in? Who will celebrate that guy from your Freshman Studies class when he gets his fifth job? Who can remember every extracurricular that one too-busy friend is involved in?

Millie Onthings, the new Director in the Office of Student Activities, Lives and Involvements, has stumbled across these student woes of unappreciation and lack of recognition. Onthings lamented, “No student should go without being celebrated.” In that spirit, she has decided to host a symposium for every student at the Warch Campus Center to display their accomplishments and work they have done. 

Onthings explained her new idea, “At the end of each year, we will request that each student have a poster product depicting everything that they’ve done during college. It’s like a live resumé. Graduate schools and future employers will love it! Not to mention the proud parents who can take a firsthand view into what their child’s college life is like!” 

Because there are so many students at Lawrence and not enough space in just one room in Warch, the entire building will be reserved for this event. Leaving enough room at the exits so that the school will not be fined for fire hazards, every student will be required to bring something to represent their time up until that point at Lawrence. Onthings grinned, “I want to let those creative juices flow. Every student is required to bring a poster, write an essay and try not to stand out too much. But the rest is up to you!”

Students have not received this new idea well. In a recent poll asking what students think, the most common response was, “No.” When questioned about this backlash, Onthings laughed and said, “Well, you don’t have a choice! Any student who refuses to participate will not be able to graduate. This is part of Lawrence’s graduation requirements now. So, either transfer, drop out or do the freaking poster.” 

The cost of printing all the posters will be summed and added to each student’s bill. Onthings explained, “It costs about $40 to print a poster. It’s not that much in comparison to the regular cost of this school, so it shouldn’t be a problem!” The printer will be getting a workout, as hundreds of posters are required to be printed in a few short days.

The library, which is responsible for printing posters, is scrambling. They are hiring seven new seasonal employees to help cope with the new influx of poster demands. The library itself will close four days prior to the symposium in order to manage the printing process. 

Onthings is proud of her new idea, and hopes that all the students will take the time to appreciate all that they have done. Onthings explained, “We don’t take enough time to appreciate all the work we put in every day. This symposium will help to make students aware of how much they have or haven’t taken on. Consider it a reflection.” The symposium will be held in a few short weeks. Start working on your poster or face the consequences.