Lore-ence: “New Fall”

Fall in the Midwest often spurs pleasant memories and feelings. There is a lot to admire as the trees go up in a red, yellow and orange blaze as their leaves prepare to fall and Halloween festivities begin. In recent years, Lawrence University faculty has had a few forums about how to emphasize these fall feelings. Sure, some student organizations go apple picking, but Lawrence believes that there could be more. Effective next year, there will be some new spooky changes to campus.

Everett Spookmore, the new Director of Fun on Campus has proposed a few ideas to make campus more spooky come next fall. His favorite idea is to convert Main Hall Green into a field for corn. Spookmore explained, “This is going to sound corny, but everyone loves corn! I went to a fall festival once, and let me tell you, among pumpkins, there was a lot of corn! Mazes of maize!” Spookmore paused to laugh at his own joke. After a few awkward minutes, he resumed, “Not only could we host corn maze events, but we could also profit from free corn crops. It’s more sustainable, too!” The corn will be planted in the spring and Spookmore expects students to help tend it. 

Spookmore continued, “Students who are interested in entomology will love this idea! They can study agriculture and how bug predation affects yields! I’m envisioning years of independent studies.” Spookmore envisions many school field trips to this central part of campus to appreciate the corn. He hopes organizations will use the maze for team bonding, since he plans to incorporate a complex maze pattern. Spookmore exclaimed, “No point if it’s not challenging! I know Lawrence students can handle it!”

Another idea Spookmore brought up to the school was converting the water fountains to apple cider dispensers. With a sly look on his face, he leaned in towards our reporter and whispered, “Trust me, it’ll be cut with corn syrup.’’ For students who prefer water to the syrupy drink, there will be water coolers around campus. When asked why the cider wouldn’t be in the coolers and the water in the fountains, Spookmore refused to answer and changed the topic.

Spookmore shivered, “It sure is getting chilly on campus, isn’t it? Well, that leads into my next idea. We will be having faculty lead knitting circles outside. We’ll knit scarves, gloves, hats, you name it! And we’ll do it all while appreciating the beautiful fall scenery outdoors!” When asked where outside, Spookmore only quipped, “Well, not on Main Hall Green, obviously!” Spookmore continued to elude our questions and concerns. What if students get cold while knitting? What will students who are trying to avoid sugar do about the cider crisis? What’s the plan for when students get lost in the maze and can’t be rescued? 

With our last slew of questions, Spookmore excused himself from our meeting. Spookmore insisted, “I have better things to do. I must go.” When we tried to get in touch with other faculty about the bizarre interview we had with the Director of Student Fun on Campus, everyone claimed they had never heard of him. It’s almost as if he had never existed in the first place.