Fellow Lawrentians! Are you a senior? Are you freaking out because your entire life you have been in school and now you have to graduate and do something with your life and pay taxes and stuff? Is the horror of procrastination slowly dawning upon you as you realize deadlines for graduate schools and internships have already passed for many places? Is a post-graduate future of living with your parents and lounging about in pajama pants no longer looking as appealing? Then this article is for you!
Out of the kindness of my heart, I, as a fellow compassionate senior, have decided to share with you all the effort I have made so far to look into a future after Lawrence, which consists entirely of this amazing resumé that I have made just now and am attaching for your reading pleasure. Maybe my resume will make you feel less bad about your own level of procrastination — hey, at least you are not as screwed as I am — or maybe it will motivate you to not just work at McDonald’s after college (a noble profession nonetheless). Or, maybe you are already accepted into some amazing graduate school program or are interning in Guam or something. If that is the case, then go away; this is not for you.
And now, for my amazing cover letter and resumé! Please, feel free to copy the formatting I have designed because I am truly magnanimous.
Are you looking for a new hire in your field? Then look no further! The world of working adults is about to rocked by the entrance of — you guessed it — me!
Now, of course, you may very well be asking, as you should, what does this sprightly young whippersnapper have to offer that could ever better my prestigious company’s position? Well, fret not, for I come fully prepared and highly overqualified for whatever positions you may so kindly have to offer me.
Please refer to my resumé attached below, which I can personally attest to being the most accurate and professional piece of paper ever made regarding my entire life ever.
Michele D. Haeberlin — potential graduate of Lawrence University in 2020 — that is, if I somehow maintain sanity between now and the end of finishing my two capstones and Honors Project.
Some Notable Honors and Distinguishing Skills:
I can steal cookies from the cookie jar almost every time without my mom noticing.
I am able to procrastinate to freakishly extreme lengths. For example, I once waited until I had worn my dirty socks twice over to finally do laundry and wear clean clothes again.
I was once deemed “most likely to sit quietly in the corner and read books” by my fifth grade class.
I have received a participatory award in junior varsity tennis.
I have the uncanny ability of being able to fill up all of my free time within milliseconds due to my inner talent of being unable to say “no” to people when they ask me to help them with stuff.
Why You Should Hire Me:
I can speak Spanish well enough to get the jokes and laugh in the right places during conversations.
I can also speak Generation Z lingo fluently — a handy tool seeing as millennials are entering the workforce now!
I can help you understand how your co-workers making a meme about you could be either a good thing or a bad thing for your public image.
I will show you all the funny cat videos you never knew existed.
Oh, also, I have teaching experience, and I did a business internship in Argentina. So, that’s cool I guess.
Why Hire Me Part Two:
I am really, really broke. I need a job because this university is ridiculously expensive, and I only have six months until I gotta pay them loans.
I do not wish to spend four years of my life in a higher learning environment and then resort to a future of climbing the social ladder of a fast food joint to make ends meet.
If I have a job, I will have something to tell my family every single time they ask me what I’m doing after graduation, which is every single time I see them.
Hiring me onto your team could be a potentially great decision for you to make! I promise to show up on time and not go over on my lunch breaks or steal all the snacks from the lounge. Also, on my birthday, I will bring store-bought cupcakes for everyone.