So, let’s say, hypothetically, that the sky was falling. Let’s also say, in equal likelihood, that the sky was blue. Given that the sky is blue and that the sky is falling, one might metaphorically liken the sky to a drop of water. The thing that the poets have purposefully ignored is that, in actuality, water is almost completely transparent. The correct metaphoric comparison to make would be to Hirundo atrocaerulea — that is, the blue swallow native to the Great Rift Valley. Swallows, of course, are a family of avians known to quote-on-quote, “dive bomb,” when there is a perceived threat to their nest. This is in direct contrast with Gallus gallus domesticus — the domestic chicken that is. My wife is actually an ornithologist, and she told me that you’ll often find the common chicken living in a coop with other chickens under the care of a farmer. This shows you the utter hypocrisy of the poet community who are always advocating coops for the blue swallow, while at the same exact time condemning the tyranny of the chicken farmer who provides that same, exact coop to the chicken. The reality of the matter is that chickens like to come home to roost and blue swallows like to dive bomb crap and live in the open wilderness. Statistics don’t care for your sentiments. This is why, under any conceivable notion of reality, the real artistic and unhypocritical stance is to metaphorically liken the undeniable fact that the sky is falling to the blue swallow and that it is immoral and ignorant to compare it to a drop of water.
So, the topic of the talk I’m being asked to give today is the Falling Sky and the horrendous Bill KF3. I’ve been growing increasingly worried about the presence of radical poetics on college campuses, especially in the humanities and the social sciences. You know, it’s absolute rubbish what they’re trying to do. The radical Neo-Langstonist theory is all about identity poetics and placing all our writing into genres, which is actually the same thing that Lovecraft would’ve said on the topic; yet, the Neo-Langstonists claim to be opposed to Lovecraft! It’s really just a tribalistic standpoint to be arguing because there are these radical poets going around telling people that because of your genre of writing, you cannot claim the sky is falling. This is why we need to all be wary of the terrible Bill KF3 that’s being floated around in parliament right now, which will basically designate Falling Sky claims as falsification. There have already been multiple hundreds of my colleagues calling for my resignation, and if I’m sentenced to jail time, I’m going on a hunger strike. I’m not bloody joking about this! You know, especially on these college campuses, you hear young poets saying all the time, “Yes, I’m a Langstonist,” as if it were something morally virtuous to say. We can’t simply ignore the fact that Charlie Parker was a heroin addict! It’s absolute bloody hypocritical rubbish. Telling me I can’t claim the sky is falling implies that the sky should be propped up in the first and it’s like — Well, no. The sky needs to earn the respect to be held up. No sky should feel entitled that I commit to the Atlasian feat of holding it up.
Listen, people! The global poetic conspiracy wants your children, and they are communicating with interdimensional beings. The MLA is a front for bootleg children’s literature, and the poet laureate is complicit in attempts to cover up this fact. It’s all on tape, people! There is an attempt to censor me going on right now in the establishment of poetry. My Goodreads account has been banned for hate speech and misinformation and, by the power of God, I have a right to tell you people the truth, and that truth is, THE SKY IS FALLING! I repeat, THE SKY IS FALLING! Listen, people, the poet laureate and all of her cronies are after me, and there’s a conspiracy on my life because they know that I know the truth! I have seen these closed-door meetings with the interdimensional poetic supremacists. If it’s a war these anti-artistic Falling Sky deniers want, they’ll get it from me! There are actual manticore robot poets in production. These are artificial intelligences that are slowly going to replace human beings and write all of our poetry for us! That’s why I tell you that you should not trust what they’ve been saying about teaching Shakespeare in school. They teach you Shakespeare in school to blind you from the real truth, and I’m the only one saying it: the sky is falling, there are embryonic mutant manticore poets being cultivated in top secret book clubs, and the poet laureate is communicating with interdimensional beings to make it all happen. Let me say this: I will not be a stooge for the global poetic conspiracy! They will have to kill me before I cooperate with them because I know for a fact that they’re after me folks!