A Critique of Brain-Use Policy

Editor’s Note: This article is a work of satire. 

Lawrence University promises academic freedom and inclusivity to its students, but it  suppresses my rights to promote fascist ideology in many ways. You know, like freedom is like this thing and … like I think it’s really important that we are freedom and stuff. I think I might like sue Lawrence. Like they’re letting me promote indirect and sometimes direct fascist ideals and misinformation, but like I still think we’re on a slippery slope to communism. What is communism? Uhh. So, communism is like when I’m not allowed to be a fascist.  When am I not allowed to be a fascist? Ummm. So there is a lot of stuff I want to say and that I have said that I should be able to say. I’m not going to say it now because 99% of people would say it was hate speech, and the other 1% would tell me I was being rude. Like 1984 was like a year, man. I don’t know what else to say. This dude, Gregor Well, talked about 1984, back when Reagan was president — I love him like my big brother — and he wrote a book about 1984 and basically the book is all about how I’m correct and that they won’t let me or anyone spread fascist misinformation on my Twitter account. I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about this. Like my logic and facts were really factuous and logistical, dude. They’ll start coming for everyone trying to spread fascist misinformation on Twitter. Man, I hate the government. 

I don’t need to speculate that hate-speech policies will be used to shut down fascist beliefs because the non-discrimination policy already has been used for this purpose. Like I had this boys club one time, and we wanted to have a circle time where we talked about how women and trans people are like bad and stuff, and then they told us we couldn’t do that, what’s up with that? Like my misinformation is actually the real information because it’s my misinformation. I pray to Jesus — the proudest boy — that one day my boyish rights will be given back. They took my rights to act like a little boy, so I’m being a man and taking a stand about this. I’m doing this for everyone. I care about the freedom of everyone. My freedom to hate some people and I care about those people’s freedom to be hated too! I don’t get how I’m in the wrong here and that’s why I’m right. If I were wrong, it would be easy to understand. Why shouldn’t me and my boys should have the freedom to pour a ton of our Alprostadil in the town well? 

Obvious speech codes also have a badly effect on transphobic expression, a phenomenon where individuals or groups refrain from engaging in transphobia for fear of violating the rules. So one time I wanted to say something I knew was disrespectful. This other time, I wanted to say something that respected myself, which is most important. I can only respect myself because unless everyone else is being disrespected. That’s what self-respect is, I’d suggest learning about it. We’ve seen this sort of thing happen before in other communistalistic countries like Kinkajou, Vuvuzela, Bowlhaircut, and Northerly Corgi. They’re basically the same country because communisticism is when everything is the same. 

You might be thinking, “hate-speech rules are harmless because they only apply to genuinely hateful speech.” Oh, really? You think? Nerd. Randomly select 100 people who agree with you and 100 people who don’t agree with you. If someone tells you that you should be a thoughtful person, point to the 100 who disagree with you because that’s a scary thought. If someone tells you that you are a hateful person, point to the 100 who agree with you because I hate when people do that. I know a lot of bigly words.  

I propose that Lawrence reaffirm its commitment to free expression and inclusivity. Wait crap, that’s not what I meant. I propose that Lawrence affirm a commitment to my feelings. The fact is that the facts care about my feelings. My facts care about my feelings at least. Isn’t inclusivity when misinformation affirms my feelings? Like practice sensitivity maybe? For people who talk a lot about sensatrivity, you sure don’t sensytivity to your oppressors, like what? That’s true communism, when people are insensitive to their oppressors. I have to be the one actually upholding sensitivity here, since all the communismists aren’t sensative to the right to oppress. Like what the huh? I swear to God. 

Fourth, learn what you can from someone’s perspective even if you disagree with it. Do this, but please don’t learn that I’m doing a fascism. If you leave this article thinking that I’m committed a hate speech, you haven’t faithfully interacted with my factual opinions. These opinions are fact. If you leave this disagreeing, that’s because you can’t interact with clear direct logicals. I swear I’m a nice guy, just hear me out, but if you don’t agree with me, then you clearly haven’t heard me out. I literally can’t be wrong, I’ve done the chemical equations on this one guys, I’m not have correct dysfunctionality. I’m fully correct. So I think we’ve certainly learned a lot. I think this is as clear a representation of my thoughts as I could make. I think you all understand me and what I’m about now.