Lawe Street prostitution ring uncovered

Al Koholic

The quaint family shops that line Lawe Street have become the site of an extensive police investigation this past week. Lamp Shades Plus and Jacob’s Meat Market have been suspected of running illegal escort services in addition to their public businesses.
Appleton Chief of Police Alan Heinz said in a press conference held Thursday, “We haven’t got the details yet, but it’s clear that lamp shades and meat aren’t the only things being bought and sold on this street.”
Police have 15 people in custody on charges of soliciting sex and have launched a full-fledged interrogation of all customers seen entering either business in the past seven days.
Residents have been shocked by the news that their block has been coined the red-light district of Appleton.
Lawe Street resident Ethel Bradley, age 88, stated, “I thought Lamp Shades Plus had shut down that brothel years ago. It’s disturbing to think this has been going on for so many years.”
Police estimate that up to 37 people were involved in the solicitation of sexual acts and that the two businesses may or may not have been working together in the scam.
One Lawrence alumnus, who asked to remain anonymous, claims to have hired a female escort to accompany him to his senior class dinner.
“As a fifth-year trumpet major, it was difficult to find females up to my intellectual stature that were also willing to have a good time,” the student explained.
“Judging from the quality and expediency of their work, I could tell the people at Jacob’s knew what they were doing. I just hope my fiance doesn’t find out about this. She’ll be out of Iowa in a second if she hears this.”
Employees of Lamp Shades Plus and Jacob’s Meat Market have refused to comment regarding the allegations, however, their attorneys assure the public that the businesses are clean.
Defense Lawyer Shane Brabazon claims, “The police are on a witch hunt. These are family business with real family values.”
He assured the Lawe Street residents that they will soon be able to purchase fresh meat and lamp shades as soon as the investigation blows over.

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