Bring back our light! The case for the buffalo chicken wrap

A food display case in The Café. Photo by Rongyan Song.

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Bon App is undoubtedly one of the foremost pillars of Lawrentian society. With the meal plan as our Torah, the Commons our Mecca, and the Café our Vatican City, Bon App keeps us anchored to our spiritual existence at Lawrence. Like all spiritual institutions, we’ve had prophets and doctrines come and go. Who can forget the great sage Stanley with his benevolent ice cream scoop or the Bon App Hitman who foretold the bad times of digestive issues to come? Even the rise and fall of the doctrine of disposable dishware foretold much. In those days where our leaders were trying to deter dish smugglers through the practice of creating waste, had we forgotten that our savior befriended dish smugglers and went to the VR, but practiced recycling all the same? 

Our clergy’s ways are mysterious, maybe too mysterious for the common good. Chefs are cloistered away, studying the gastronomic texts and scribing our menus. Tithes are changed year to year, as we wonder how many meal swipes and cul cash we might apply for. Times of abundance and times of famine come, and our only guiding light is hope in the divine providence of the Lady on high, our most supernal heavenly mother who was inaugurated for our sins, President Laurie Carter, peace be upon her.  

I’m writing today, in prayer and in mourning, for the fallen martyr who epitomized the strength, versatility and divine feminine Presence that makes Lawrence what it is: the Buff Chick Wrap. This great warrior of warriors, Amazon of our times, friend of sapphites, has vanished from our worship services. We now are plighted with a new Bon App dogma. A religio-gastronomic dogma that rejects our Lady of the Wrap, the Buff Chick, in all of Her divine genders from Tender to Boca, while shouting the praise of such pretenders – such false prophets – as the buffalo bean burger. While the naked Tender and Boca patty remain in perpetuity with Buffalo sauce on the side, we mustn’t take the divine Word of the Wrap for granted.  

A food display case in The Café. Photo by Rongyan Song.

What is the Buff Chick without Her Wrap? The Wrap is the great unifier that brings stability and oneness to the Lawrentian community. Our clerics will evangelize, speaking in bureaucratic tongues amidst affirmations of that all too familiar phrase that has become commonplace in our era: “time to shine!” I must ask our clerics with all due reverence, how can we usher in the “time to shine” without our guiding light in the Wrap? The Wrap is the glue that holds us together, shielding Lawrentian society from utter chaos. Should it continue, what is one to do but wait for the seven bugles to sound, signifying the bliss of end times and, should Carter (peace be upon her) will it, the second coming of the Wrap and the campus to come. 

Like the Twelve Ingredients who accompanied the Wrap in Her final moments, we are diverse and steadfast. We should all but fall apart onto our plates without her divine Presence guiding the way. I call to you, Lawrentian community, that we continue practicing the true Word of Bon App as we live in suffering and martyr ourselves in the name of the Wrap. Through the ancient doctrine of chikkun oilam, we must repair the culinary world and come together as the one true Bon Appian faith. I must remind us all to make pilgrimage and pray towards the holy sites of Andrew and Kaplan, so we might bring flavor to Her name in this age of prophecy we are living in.  

We are all children of Appetit, the patriarch of belief for hundreds of Lawrentians and as our Lady of the Wrap teaches, we mustn’t forget the ties that bind us. While we may all descend from different members of the Twelve Stations of Warch, whether from Simply Oasis, Rick’s Dinner or any station, we mustn’t forget that which makes us one. What of our common father, Downey? Yes, Downey, he who exiled himself on a gravy boat for 40 days and 40 nights so Carter (peace be upon her) could rid our campus of mold and all that which festers – certainly he may bring us together!  

The Truth of the Buffalo Chicken Wrap must return to the menu, so a reformation of the Bon App faith must begin! In this time of such great indigestion and anaphylaxis, I feel the pain of many of us children of Bon App who have given up on Carter (peace be upon her), but I implore that malnourishment not deter you, my brothers, sisters and non-binary siblings! We Lawrentians of the Bon Appian faith must unite under one banner to fight the good fight for Her, our Lady of the Wrap, the Buffalo Chicken Wrap! I compel every one of you that we unite for all that is tasty!  We must unite to bring back the Buff Chick Wrap! Buffalo volt! Baruch haChicken! Wrap akbar!