Chagrin at the Grill

Bob Trettin

Well, Lawrentians, another year of school has begun, and I would like to take the time to discuss one of the major changes that has taken place at Lawrence since last year.

This huge difference of which I write can be seen on the electronic menu board in Kaplan’s Grill, or “The Grill” as it is often referred to around campus. There have been a number of alterations made to this menu, all of which upset me considerably — enough to warrant an entire article of protest. Let me begin:

About two months into the summer I logged into my Voyager account — after about an hour of trying to remember my password — and I decided to pick my meal plan for the upcoming fall term.

I was excited to see that one of the options was $1024.00 of straight culinary cash. This was higher than last year’s $970.00 culinary cash option, which was particularly appealing to me because I prefer The Grill to Andrew’s Commons, and I am a frequent customer of Kate’s Corner Store.

Using my exceptional mathematic skills, along with the help of a calculator, I figured out that I could spend over $100.00 per week on food. It was an easy decision.

I calculated that, if I so desired, I could buy roughly 17 Chicken Tender Pitas every week. These were my personal favorite. I was also looking forward to the classic Viking Melt and the opportunity to build my own burger, complete with a fried egg.

However, I was in for an unpleasant surprise. Upon my first visit to The Grill, I glanced at the menu to confirm that my favorite choices were still available. They most certainly were not. The Viking Melt, Build Your Own Burger, and the ever-delicious Chicken Tender Pita had all been removed from my life.

Here are a few of the thoughts that ran through my head once I was informed that I would not be eating my favorite Lawrence food options this year:

“This must be a joke.” This is a common reaction once one discovers something horrible. It’s called denial.

“Well now I’m in a homicidal mood.” Here we have perhaps a slight overreaction, but you get the idea; I was angry.

“I will transfer if these options don’t return immediately.” This is clearly bargaining.
“I’m depressed.” This is what we call depression.

The worst part about being depressed was that I couldn’t even eat my feelings, because my favorite foods were unavailable, which worsened my condition.

Denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. As you can see, I actually went through 4 out of the 5 stages of grief in a matter of about a minute. And yes, I do realize how pathetic that is.

You might be wondering if I have reached the final stage of grief yet, which is acceptance. The answer is no. I believe I have simply reverted back to anger or discovered a new stage called bitterness.

This article is my attempt to be heard. I would like to see the Viking Melt, Build Your Own Burger and the Chicken Tender Pita thing back on the menu at Kaplan’s Grill.

It is my opinion, and the opinion of many other Lawrentians who I have spoken to about this issue, that they were clearly three of the best food items on the menu, and don’t try to tell me that the chicken parmesan sandwich is a suitable substitute. You just put two chicken tenders on some bread; you’re not fooling anyone.