(Brent Schwert)
Dear Lawrentian Editorial Staff,
How do I know someone wants to be more than friends? On a lesser note, what is a fetishist?
-Lonely at LawrenceGood questions, Lonely, we’ll tackle them one by one. First off, you know someone likes you in that special way when they start spending a lot of time with you and looking at you with a certain twinkle in their eye. The particularly crude ones who have yet to realize that after four failed marriages they will return home to live in their parents’ basement will often say something rather offensive but nevertheless forward about their love for you.
The more romantic types prefer to remain fairly quiet and rather passive about their desire, opting instead to let it burn hot in their breast before they reveal it to you moments before passing away from consumption. Bear in mind that their ghost will haunt you should you decide to start seeing other people.
But come now, Lonely, let’s be serious here. After all, you might have a real suitor in tow. Take it from the skilled romance technicians of The Lawrentian, a guy/girl might like you if they’ve been displaying three or more of the following symptoms:
-Spending a lot of time with you
-Making slightly awkward compliments towards you
-Blushing while being complimented by you
-Insomnia
-Nausea
-Heart palpitations
-Buying you roses
If that doesn’t help you out, Lonely, suffice it to say that love is shy as a child and you must take the initiative. Maybe one of these days, the two of you go out for steaks on a date. Now, during one of those awkward lulls in the conversation you say something really suave that you’ve rehearsed in the mirror obsessively, something seductive but gentle. Then, while your date is trying to understand what you were saying with all that food in your mouth, you put your liberal arts education to good use and you kiss her right on the lips. If she reciprocates, your experiment is a success: she likes you. If not, she’s a vegetarian.
To answer your second question, Lonely, fetishists are individuals whose sexual gratification is dependent on the real or imaginary presence of an object or body part.
They are also responsible, along with liberals and terrorists, for the deterioration of family values in this country. If you’ve ever spent time on Wikipedia or watching anime, you are probably familiar with the better-known sexual fetishes–namely stocking fetishes, leather fetishes and foot fetishes.
But let’s not limit ourselves, there’s a whole world of fetishes to explore! Fetishes run the gamut from amputee fetishes to diaper fetishes to fetishes about sterling silver flatware at Crate and Barrel. If you like something, and we mean “like” like something, so much so that you can’t become aroused without it–like, say, the voice of Pat Robertson–then you just might be a fetishist.
Have a question about sex or romance for The Lawrentian’s romance experts? Send an email to Lawrentian@lawrence.edu with “Discount Cialis Soft Tabs” in the subject heading.
