Aries
March 21 – April 19
Wow! A solar eclipse in your sign means some dramatic changes for you. Your war like nature will take a sudden turn towards the pacific side. Bury the hatchet, stop to smell the roses, and spend some quality time alone with your Aphrodite. Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The solar eclipse could affect you today, but not if you wear sunglasses. Conservatory students beware! Best to stay in your practice room. If you dare to venture out, break out your hat to protect from a chance reflection off your instruments.
Gemini
May 21 – June 21
The sun and moon are getting together, prompting others in your life to do the same. Best to prearrange alternate places to sleep. Remember: two is company, but three is a crowd.
Cancer
June 22 – July 22
Your sign sends bad omens when solar eclipses are near. You are particularly vulnerable today, and should lather on the sun screen. An ounce of Banana Boat is worth a pound of burnt flesh.
Leo
July 23 – August 22
As the sun is your ruling planet you can guarantee that the solar eclipse will have a big effect on your sign. Namely, you will diminish in brightness and apparent size. Expect to have your waves unreturned, professors to fail you for no reason, and your roommate to mistake you for a prospie.
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You don’t give a flying **** about the solar eclipse today. Buckle down in the Seeley Mudd, and finish your damn East Asian Studies reading assignment.
Libra
September 23 – October 23
The solar eclipse will be affecting your balance today. Be prepared for all outcomes. Hold your tray at Downer with both hands, be careful crossing bridges, streets and hallways. Now is not a time to experiment with tightrope walking. Avoid the Ormsby steps at all costs.
Scorpio
October 24 – November 21
The solar eclipse won’t have as much of an influence on you, but the fact that your ruling planet, Pluto, will start moving backwards today, will! If you can figure out the influence that this will have, please let us know so we can inform the rest of the campus.
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Improbable as it may seem, the solar eclipse will bring a package your way. Don’t hold your breath, it’s not from your mom. We suggest that you get your cookies from Lucy’s today.
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Tensions will rise with your roommate today, not because of the solar eclipse, but because of your dirty dishes and piles of laundry. Your best bet is to clean your room – Duh! Believe us, your roommate and the rest of the floor will thank you for this new development.
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Little known fact: Exposure to solar eclipses will dehydrate you, more than any other nature phenomenon (alcohol excluded). Be sure to drink plenty of clear fluids (alcohol included), and consider taking a dip in the Fox River.
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Now is the time to make a move on the hottie that is occuping your dreams. Cuddle up close with a pin-hole camera to watch the eclipse. Don’t worry about rejection today. Any action, including rejection, is better than nothing. Remember: there are plenty more fish in the sea.
LUCKY NUMBER: 5 3?4
Due to budget restraints, we can only afford to assign one number to the entire campus. We apologize for the inconvenience to your gambling.