Yesterday evening all 6,506,930,627 human beings on Earth died. There apparently were no survivors in the planetwide event, which is the first reported extinction in human history. The deaths occurred between GMT 0600 and 0630, though exact times of death were unavailable due to the lack of surviving coroners. Victims included, but were not limited to, all politicians, athletes and musicians, as well as farmers, circus performers and computer programmers. The deaths were distributed evenly between males and females, with a death rate of 100 percent for each gender.
Causes of death ranged from the gastrointestinal failure of the entire population of Asia to the bizzare death of Lawrence student Peter Gillette, who apparently died of alcohol withdrawl. The Avian Bird Flu was, surprisingly, not responsible for a single death.
Reached for comment at his seat as the ruler of the realm of heaven, God called the event unprecedented.
“Well, shit,” said He Than Whom Nothing Greater Can Be Conceived “I guess it’s back to square one.
Everybody dies
