(Brent Schwert)
By now every self-respecting LU Viking fan has heard the heart-crushing news: Saturday night at approximately 9:30 p.m. Central Standard Time the World Famous Lawrence University Men’s Basketball team fell to the unspeakables just west of Omro, Wis.
Not only did the loss snap the Vikes’ year-and-a-half-long conference winning streak, but it turned the World Famous “better dead than red” maxim right on it’s head. Many of you might now be wondering if ritualistic suicide would be a better option than living through a red scare.
This is where I come in. I have been through more losses to R**** than I would care to remember, and know what you’re all going through. Consider me your grief counselor.
The first stage you probably went through was DENIAL. This is characterized by double-checking the website you got the score from a hundred times to see if they accidentally mixed up the scores or assuming that the referees were paid off by Redhawk students. This is perfectly normal but can be brutal on the psyche; alas, the score did not change.
At this realization, stage two set in: ANGER. This what that caused the disaster area that your room was left in just minutes after the onset of stage two. Broken windows and door hinges permanently bend from repeated slamming are common, and your roommate may have heard words come out of your mouth that you’d be embarrassed if Rik Warch heard. Don’t worry, he’d understand.
If you decided to engage in the ritualistic drowning of sorrows that often follows the ANGER stage, you entered stage three: BARGAINING. The BARGAINING stage is characterized by drunken requests for God to change the score in return for various levels of self-improvement, which often amounts to a decrease in drinking. This can be worrisome — having to consider a decrease in your liquid habits for the good of the team you love is a daunting sacrifice. Never fear though, as no one could understand what you were saying by the time the BARGAINING stage set in, let alone the big man upstairs.
You probably woke up Sunday morning (or afternoon, depending on how much BARGAINING you did) in stage four: DEPRESSION. Sports-related depression is a difficult thing to get out of, and it’s possible some of you might still be in stage four by the time you read this article. The DEPRESSION phase is characterized by the scariest of all side effects from a R**** loss: the lack of will to continue supporting your Vikings.
