Viking Conservatives attack Science Hall

I.P. Freely

Thursday, March 29, Lawrence residents awoke to find that Science Hall atrium windows had been covered with posters.
“It was awful,” said beloved professor Bertrand Goldgar. “I mean, I assume. I just saw that it was a bit whiter than usual outside my window. I figured that my esteemed compatriots in the sciences were up to some new crap.”
He then paused briefly to expire.
The posters, which read, “It’s ADAM AND EVE, not ATOM AND EVE!” along with a crossed out picture of a woman hugging a particle and other images, are thought to be the work of LUCC-recognized group the Viking Conservatives, insofar as each poster was hand-signed by at least one member.
This is the second such attack by the Viking Conservatives this year, the first being the papering of the GLOW House with confusing anti-gay marriage posters during the fall elections.
“I don’t get it,” said physics major Bao Ha. “Why is the woman hugging an atom? That’s not even possible.”
A group of biology, chemistry, math and physics majors intend to meet with Dean Truesdell to echo Ha’s outrage.
One of the protesting students, Emily Haus, spoke out against the Viking Conservatives, saying, “Well, I suppose I feel attacked. I guess I’m not entirely sure what they’re getting at here.”
“Can you explain it me?” she added, slapping a nearby student on the butt.
Other student reactions were more neutral.
“The Viking what?” said sophomore Ted Toussaint when approached for comment. “Are they those guys who brought that speaker for ‘academic freedom’ who wanted us to fire several academic departments?”
When asked about the attack, assistant professor David Hall said, “I guess they’re angry about atoms or science or something. The poster says something about family values, but I’m not sure I get it.”
“But hey,” he added, holding up one of the posters, “can you tell me what this is? It’s sort of confusing, but it looks like it might be clip art of a blackboard and a microscope shaking hands with Satan.”
He then shook his head sadly.
The approximately five conservative Lawrentians who claim to be well represented by the Viking Conservatives are reportedly outraged by this attack, and wish to distance themselves from the group’s actions, though none could be found for comment.
LUCC member James Eric Pritchard issued a statement on behalf of LUCC to the effect that LUCC will take no action to change the status or funding of the Viking Conservatives, as the attack is fully consistent with the Viking Conservatives’ stated mission.

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