Hippo City

James Eric Prichard

If you are having trouble sleeping, turn on the TV. Election coverage dominates the media and we are subjected to boring opinions about boring candidates. What really kills me is that in a much better parallel universe the front-runners of the two parties are the Baha Men and Andrew W.K.
If we lived in this parallel universe we would listen to Bore-ack (haha) Obama talk about change, but Andrew W.K. talk about partying. Sometimes he would even forgo the talking and just party, letting his actions speak for themselves.
There would be concerts instead of debates and more concerts instead of interviews. We would not care about pseudo-issues like waterboarding, but would instead ask the important questions, finally discovering who really released those dogs.
I know that the last time we elected a party animal to the White House it did not work out so well, but voters should give W.K. a chance. Actually, it might be Governor W.K.; I do not actually know a lot about this other universe. I do know, however, that Governor W.K. advocates taking America back to its roots.
As he has said repeatedly, “So let’s get a party going, let’s get a party going.” Bush says to stay the course, but I think we need to turn America into a party boat and steer her toward international waters, where you can party ’til you puke.
The Baha Men, I’m afraid, are simply too inexperienced when it comes to partying. They would probably make good presidents in a few more years, but right now they are far too green. Their inexperience shows when they talk about letting dogs out but do not even begin to ask whether those dogs are partying or not.
If confronted with this issue, Gov. W.K. would says something to the effect of, “Party with dogs, party all night, with dogs,” and I think that everyone can get behind this stance.
Not that there would not be an advantage to electing the Baha Men. For one, it would be nice to elect multiple black presidents for the first time since Universe 23 elected Will and Carlton.
I don’t see why we will vote for a single minority candidate but are reluctant when there are more than one, especially considering that in Universe 68 North America has been ruled by the cast of “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place” since 1999.
The Baha Men would also be better presidents internationally. Some countries and foreign dignitaries see Andrew W.K.’s hard-line stances as abrasive.
America’s poor international reputation may be hurt even more if he says something polarizing, like that a country is either for partying or against it.
The Baha Men, on the other hand, are universally respected, and the blonde one even served a stint as an ambassador to India.
Despite his diplomatic shortcomings, Gov. W.K. still has the vote of Parallel Eric. His support of public education is shown by his vow to help under-funded schools, a support that was probably developed during his stint working for Teach for America with Chris Hooper.
He has not announced his running mate yet, but insiders suggest that he is leaning toward Mouse from “The Matrix.”
Mouse’s strong experience, being in movies that you have not seen for a while, will certainly take care of any electability issues that might arise about his not being a real person, and so I think that the right man for the job, Governor Andrew W.K., is poised to win the election.

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