(Brent Schwert)
Dear Lawrentian Editorial Staff,I kind of have this fantasy that I’ve been wanting to act out with my girlfriend, but I’m a little worried about what she’ll think. Any suggestions?
– Flustered About Fantasies
Kudos to you, FAF, for trying to make your dreams a reality while, at the same time, sticking it to the man. Long has this societal machine kept us confined to the straight and narrow of the sexual act, condemning any kink in our gears as something adverse to the health of the nation.
Fantasies are nothing to be ashamed of, and, in keeping with this publication’s academic roots, The Lawrentian Editorial Staff might modestly suggest that sexual fantasy brought to life is a necessary extension of the liberal arts curriculum (see: Freud, Kinsey, Hefner). After all, FAF, few things more genuinely reflect aspects of one’s personality than those richly detailed fantasies that you’ve been cultivating ever since you first glimpsed the opening credits of “Baywatch.”
But, FAF, we digress. So how might you make this fantasy a little more likely to succeed? For one, be prepared. Particularly if you’re usually one of those disorganized types; nothing will impress her more then when she sees you’ve bought the Darth Vader costume, the chocolate syrup, and the mechanical bull.
Furthermore, be confident, because if you’re to make this dream come true, you can’t expect your partner to take the lead (at least, initially). Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, make sure you have adequate communication regarding what you would like to do in this “fantasy,” as the last thing you want is to find her at your door with a 20-sided die and a Dungeons & Dragons rulebook when you had something else in mind.
Good luck, FAF. The Lawrentian Editorial Staff feels for you, as we, too, have a fantasy we’d like to bring up with our significant other–Metro Printing–involving ink, paper, and proper color alignment.
Have a question about sex or romance for The Lawrentian’s Romance Experts? Send it in an email to Lawrentian@lawrence.edu with “Discount Cialis Soft Tabs” in the subject heading
Dear Lawrentian Editorial Staff,
Every time I try to talk to a girl at the pool I get a boner! What do I do?
-Shivering and Ashamed
Don’t panic. Shiver, the pool is quite possibly the holy grail of awkward places to achieve an erection.
Let’s start with the problem and a little biology. You see, Shiver, recent studies have shown that the penis contains a slight amount of tissue similar in structure to your very own brain. The rumors are true. It has a mind of its own. So with that, let’s toss any thoughts of erection prevention out the window and move straight to damage control.
The simplest out-of-the-pool solution is to sit down, lean forward, and cross your arms so they are resting on your thighs. Your boner is immediately cloaked from the eyes of babes as well as the elderly. The sit-down method is also a terrific way of showing a girl you’re actually interested in what she has to say.
Now if you’re talking to the lass of your dreams, and the ground beneath your feet feels suspiciously hot, you are in a predicament. Sitting down runs the risk of making your future second wife feel quite uncomfortable and you don’t want that.
You need an emergency exit strategy, so here are two solutions. Look for the locker room and the pool. If the deep end of the pool is closer, run (don’t mind the lifeguards, they’ll understand), and dive straight to the bottom where you should remain as long as possible.
If the locker room is closer, use the Texas tuck your father taught you and sprint there. If you use the correct emergency response, your bombshell friend will probably think you’re one of those crazy, aggressive types and will approach when you return with some hardcore thoughts of pleasing you.
