Dear Terrell Owens,
I’m glad you’re not dead. No wait, I’m glad you’re alive. Let’s begin with a positive statement. When I traded you from my fantasy team for Ahman Green last week, I didn’t know how strongly you felt about your roster spot. I didn’t know, and for that, I’m sorry. I may have failed you as a fantasy football team owner, but I want you to know that I’ll never fail you as a friend.
Ever since you moved to Dallas, I knew you were turning over a new leaf. Some people didn’t think you could “shape up.” They thought that your antics with the Eagles and 49ers proved that you were only capable of making a mockery out of the fine tradition of the NFL. I know you were misunderstood, though. I knew all along, and the 14 fantasy points you put up in week one showed everyone that I didn’t make a mistake drafting you 26th overall.
I also want you to know that I don’t blame you at all for breaking your hand in the first quarter of your week two matchup with the Redskins. I know you were just making a routine block–which, by the way, is so commendable for a high profile WR like yourself.
It may have caused you to drop a ball in the end zone later on and finish with only 1.9 fantasy points, but the squirrels picked up the slack–we beat Brian’s team by 30 points and carried a 2-0 record into week three–your byeweek. That metal plate they attached to the bone of your right ring finger is helping, right?
As you know, the squirrels faced a huge test week three, with three-time fantasy bowl champion The Fighting Toasters coming to town. And as I’m sure you also are aware, LaDainian also was off for this all-important divisional showdown. The truth is, I needed a running back. When I noticed that Matt needed a wide receiver for week four, I did what every sensible owner would do–I traded.
But Terrell, if you had only read the terms of the trade, you would have known that I get you back after this week! It was only a temporary loan, not a full-fledged trade by any means. And because of your “sacrifice,” the squirrels squeaked by the Toasters and moved to 3-0!
So, T.O., I ask for your forgiveness. You have so much to live for, including reclaiming your starting WR spot when week five rolls around and Matt sends you back to me. The entire Squirrels organization is with you, including myself and the 2005 fantasy PK of the year Neil Rackers.Best wishes for a speedy recovery,
Dear Terrell Owens,