Do you love the earth? Are you afraid that the human race is going to have to transplant itself to Mars if we don’t take immediate action regarding the environment? Hello, and welcome to Specht Pages, the true and supreme voice of Lawrence University. In this celebratory 28th issue, we will present the Specht Pages’ “Plan for Sustainable Living,” which promotes a healthy environment for generations to come and positions Lawrence as a beacon of hope for Earth. So sit back, relax and excuse us as you get covered in a nasty bout of word vomit.
First off, in order to boost Lawrence University’s image as an “environmentally friendly” institution, we must completely disassociate Lawrence from the now-defunct Institute of Paper Chemistry, which was a training ground for paper scientists and a cause for the bustling paper industry in the Fox Valley. And we all know what the paper industry did to the Fox River.
Replace the Campus Security-mobile with a Prius equipped with off-road tires.
Make all on-campus elevators available only to those who physically require them.
Perhaps some physics major can produce a large-scale power plant that converts cold air into electricity. I suppose it would simply be a reverse air conditioner.
Ask our students and faculty to stop spewing out so much “hot air.”
Add An Inconvenient Truth to the Freshmen Studies list.
Limit the parking lottery only to cars that achieve at least 35 MPG Highway.
Switch to an academic calendar of three consecutive trimesters from April 1st to October 31st, typically the warmest time of the year. Additionally, we would turn off all air conditioning (if people didn’t need it a hundred years ago, we don’t need it now). Further, since everyone will be really hot all the time, hot water on campus will no longer be necessary.
Another function of the revised academic calendar is a lack of breaks. This would keep students from visiting their family and hometown friends or taking long, carbon-heavy road-trips to North Carolina as they do now due in our current system fraught with unnecessary, frequent “breaks.”
Align the class schedule with day-light hours to save on lighting costs. For example, in June, classes will start as early as 5:30 a.m.!
Replace the immaculately-kept Main Hall Green with a native prairie. Better yet, expand SLUG to all of campus and require all students to “work the garden.”
Ask the Lawrence Christian Fellowship to pray for world-wide environmental responsibility and conservation.
Re-purpose the Buchanan Kiewit Wellness Center to become the Buchanan Kiewit Forced Labor Center consisting of human-powered electric generators. Each student would have an ambitious daily kilowatt-hour requirement. Not only will Lawrence become carbon neutral as we work all Lawrentians to the point of exhaustion, but our student body (pun incidental, don’t laugh) will become very fit.
Perhaps, we could also put pedal-powered generators at each seat in every classroom so students can generate raw electricity whilst they generate raw knowledge. Perhaps also add the generators to bathroom stalls so students can also produce raw electricity whilst they create raw sewage.
Replace our high-variety meal plan with one that forces everyone to become raw vegans.
There you have it, the Specht Pages’ “Plan for Sustainable Living.” While all these seem like great ideas, might it be simpler if we all become Amish?
“You heard it first from Specht Pages!”