The Inseparable and the Apathetic


Dear ECW,
Q: Lately, I’ve begun to notice that my boyfriend and I have started doing everything together. We eat every meal by ourselves, and we’ve even started to share a tray so we can sit closer together while we eat. I’ve also started to realize that when he watches America’s Next Top Model with me instead of playing beer pong with his guy friends, he might not actually be having fun. We don’t have much to say to each other anymore, but I really enjoy asking him whether or not he thinks I’m getting fat. We’ve even started to dress alike, but I think that could just be a stylistic choice, right? I have always been excited about our future together, but now I’m worried that we might be getting sick of each other.
A: Dump your boyfriend. That is the only advice I can give you in good conscious. Your relationship sounds similar to that of most complacently married middle-aged bores who have grown tired of having fun and seeing people to whom they are not married. You will spend probably fifty years of your life staring silently at another person while you both gum your oatmeal. Your college years are intended to be spent behaving without discretion, flirting indiscriminately and showing little regard for your future. If you do allow yourself to get tied down, you should at least allow your boyfriend to spend more time with his friends than he does with you, because unlike you, they’re good at video games. You will never have this traditional college experience. Unless you have become so mired in the throes of long-term commitment that you can no longer imagine life on your own, it would really be in your best interest to cut your losses and turn your poor boyfriend loose. If you have in fact realized the feminist’s worst nightmare, and you are indeed nothing without him because you’ve managed to alienate all your friends by talking endlessly about your boyfriend, you going to have to hold on for dear life. In this case, it looks like you’re stuck, you’ve got to stick with him and resign yourself to the fact that you will probably make a pretty good housewife because you’ve had tons of practice.
Dear ECW,
Q: I feel like I might be on the verge of becoming desperate enough to start a relationship with someone to whom I’ve never really had an attraction. We’ve been friends for a while, so I don’t really know if it’s possible for us to advance our relationship past this stage. When is the right time to attempt this, and is it possible he’s even interested in me?
A: From my own personal experience, I can only suggest that perhaps he is actually interested in your best friend, or your mom, maybe. Or he might really believe that you’re an extremely attractive, intelligent person with much to contribute to someone’s life, but he really doesn’t want to date you now, or actually, ever. Perhaps he needs something from you, like a Downer swipe. Or maybe he’s perpetually drunk.
If this is an atypical instance, I can only suggest that you pursue the relationship itself, without coming across as being too invested in the outcome. If you feel the desire to take romantic relationship to the “next level” either physically or psychologically, I feel that it becomes appropriate to do this by “making the next move,” when the amount of physical contact surpasses the amount you would consider creepy from one of your brother’s friends. In this case, I say by all means “go for it,” because he is definitely “interested,” and your relationship could blossom into something wonderful, or at least something okay for a couple weeks.
As promised, I will offer love advice to even the most pathetic of Lawrence University students, and I will try my best to bring a glimmer of hope to their otherwise hopeless romantic escapades. If you do not find my advice helpful, or at least liberating, than I suggest you just give up.