Keep your prospie entertained, or at least alive

Bob Trettin

The last two Sundays and Mondays on the Lawrence calendar have been Admitted Student Days. On these days, students who have been accepted to Lawrence, who may or may not have committed to attending, were welcomed to our school. They spent a day touring the campus and a night being corrupted — I mean, pleasantly and metaphorically embraced – by current students at Lawrence.

I was lucky, or perhaps unlucky, enough to be an overnight host for two prospective students — one on each of the past two Sundays. These were my first two experiences as a host.

The preparatory meeting before being introduced to my prospie for that night was, in a word, entertaining. In two words, awkwardly entertaining.

The leaders of overnight hosting have the amusing job of introducing the Five Pillars of Overnight Hosting. In effect, they are the most obvious rules that one could imagine for what not to do as a host; however, they need to be explained because each one of them has, at some point, been broken.

Number one: Do not allow your prospie to engage in any sort of sexual activity while they are here. In case you were wondering, prospies are actually not here for that purpose. This is an acclimatizing experience for the admitted students, not an opportunity for a sexcapade, you weirdos.

Numbers two and three: Do not give your prospie any form of drugs or alcohol. As a sub-pillar, if your prospie, for some reason, brought drugs or alcohol with them, do not allow them to use or consume them.

Why? Mostly because it’s a bad idea. Why is it a bad idea? Because your prospie could lose their admittance, and you would face serious consequences as well. Also, it’s very much illegal. Moving on!

Number four: Sustain your prospie. It is your obligation to feed your prospie and direct them to the nearest source of water – and not the Fox River. Dehydration and starvation are serious problems, people; let’s keep these kids alive.

Number five: Do not lose your prospie. They are known to be very elusive and slippery beings; therefore, it is up to the overnight host to keep an eye on them at all times. Better yet, keep both of your eyes on them at all times.

It would not be a bad idea to invest in one of those human harnesses. Safety first! Don’t actually do that. Those are terribly degrading, but that’s a whole different article.

Those are the Five Pillars of Overnight Hosting, to be ever committed to your memory. In addition to following all of these rules, it is up to you to make this a fun and educational experience for your prospie. Refer back to pillar number four: sustain their bodies and their minds. Write that down.

I must warn you that being an overnight host may not be the most enjoyable experience for you. For instance, one of my prospies blatantly insulted my intended major, shattered a glass soda bottle on second floor Warch and didn’t like the Packers.

No matter how irksome your prospie might be, you should not retaliate, or at least not openly. I chose a subtle form of retribution.

I pretended to not know how to unfold my futon, forcing this prospie to have to sleep on only half of what was possible to sleep on. Take that! I hope you were only 50 percent as comfortable as you could have been! He snored like a strange bear though, so I don’t feel that bad about it.