Since I have single-handedly facilitated the resurgence of the Op/Ed department despite the best efforts of my colleagues, I have turned my attention to the next worst section, the Sports page. While the sports page of a typical paper has sweet stat shots, quotes from real athletes and hot ads for strip clubs, the Lawrentian’s Sports page has yet found to find a formula to attract readers. Despite the removal of the dismal column, Sports in the real world, the stories continue to be mere summaries of the Sports Information Director’s Press Release, with maybe a couple adjective changes here and there-though the real problem of the sports pages is probably due to the lack of coverage of the men’s tennis team. No offense to the authors of these articles, but if they are getting paid the same amount as me, I’m going to hold out on my dismal contract of thirteen dollars a column. As a former Plantz RLA, and ex-president of Lambda Sigma I consider myself to be an all-around go-getter. This aspect of my nature leads me to hate haters who just complain and do nothing about the problems they see. Therefore, I have decided to grace the pages of this semi-decent publication you hold in your hands by writing a real Sports article:Ripon College, while hated universally by all Lawrentians, is especially despised by the LU Tennis Squad. They have been the evil empire of the Northern Division of the Midwest Conference dominating the conference with 236 straight won matches. Coming into Friday, this truly was a Rebel Alliance vs. Death Star kind of upset. Tensions were high, as the doubles play got underway. Early on in the match, Coach/Cheater Paul Vandenbogaurd incited an incident in the doubles match when Kyle Nodarse made a close call. The Vikings had thought all hope was gone when Kyle lost the first set and Dan went down 5-1 in the deciding third set. Dan sent down 40-30 in the game and was on the brink of elimination when like Lazarus, he came back, clawing his way with three quick points to get the break of serve and the ball back in hand. Then he went on a tirade, dropping bomb serves and snipering volleys that repainted the white lines so clear that not even his opponent dared call them out. All the while both teams gathered round cheering every point. Dan brought it all the way back to a seven point tiebreaker, tennis’ equivalent to overtime. The match began at 4 pm and was not done until 12:30. Before the match point with the crowd grew to a deafening silence when Dan turned to his team and gave a smile and as loose as if it was 4:20 on a Friday afternoon when really it was more like that fate of the world, he delivered a thunderous return and volley combo. As his helpless opponent’s shot fell long, the Lawrence team rushed the field like the ending scene of (insert favorite Mighty Ducks Film here). There it is, like seeing the sun in the morning after spending all night writing a Wulf paper in the bowels of Briggs.
If people starting imitating my writing style, we would have Sports articles that would make Rick Reiley read like the Canterbury Tales. We would also not have wannabe sports teams like the Quiz Bowl “team” — if you can call it that — on the front page. But that’s just me.