Lawrence’s Information Technology Services announced this week that wireless Internet access will be provided throughout the Lawrence campus. The administration released the following statement concerning the news: “WiFi has been a relatively cheap and available technology for some years now. We thought that 2010 would be a great time for us to join the 21st century. There are whole islands in Panama that have wireless Internet; it is only right that the ridiculously privileged white suburban American teenagers who attend our institution are afforded the same opportunities.” Student reactions to the news were varied. “This is excellent news,” said junior Emily Galvin. “Now I can bring my laptop to Downer and Facebook-stalk strangers and try to figure out their names and find out their embarrassing ideas of what a cute profile pic is.” “No more blue cords running across my beautiful Ormsby wooden floor,” said one freshman girl, not realizing how fortunate she was to live in Ormsby and how presumptuous she was to draw attention to her beautiful wooden floors, thereby making those not fortunate enough to live in Ormsby even more resentful of her. “No more duct tape on my walls to distract the eye from my awesome Bob Dylan and James Dean posters,” she continued, without realizing that she just redeemed herself by making everyone recognize there is no point in envying a cliché semi-artsy Ormsby freshman girl, wooden floors or not. “I think it’s great,” said senior Oren Jakobson. “Now there’s nothing holding me back from permanently moving into the garden.” Other Lawrentians seemed a little less impressed. “I don’t know. It’s about time, is all I can say,” said senior Torrin Thatcher. “Once the SigEp TV starts getting more than three channels that offer sports coverage, I’ll have something to get excited about.