TV is the answer

Beth Carpenter

The winter doldrums have finally drawn to a close – there is no need to look for TV on DVD to watch because the most important show of all time is returning to television Wednesday, March 10. That’s right: “America’s Next Top Model” is coming back for Cycle 14.
There are changes this cycle; No longer will Miss Jay sit on the judging panel offering bland critiques and teaching the girls to count with sparkly numbers emblazoned on his shirt, or with an ever-thickening ruff around his neck. No, he is returning to his roots as runway coach and diva extraordinaire. So maybe this means that there will actually be girls who can walk in a runway show by the time the final runway showdown occurs.
In his place, though, we the viewers will be treated to Andre Leon Talley, a surprisingly prestigious name to be associated with “ANTM.” He currently serves as the editor-at-large for Vogue magazine. I’m not sure what there is to say about the man, except that he has already made up a new word, “dreckitude.” Watch out for it; it’s the new “smize.”
I can’t imagine anyone not having the time to sit down in the middle of tenth week and devote two hours to the “ANTM” premier episode, but in case you aren’t completely sure that you can make that sacrifice, you can skip over the first hour where Tyra tries to create suspense about the final 13 girls even though they’ve already been announced.
I can, however, tell you that there will for sure be some sort of redemption arc, in which a girl who was rejected in a premiere episode two cycles ago is able to convince Tyra that she really means it this time. To this girl I say, “We already have Jaslene, we don’t need another previously rejected underdog to take the crown of ‘ANTM.'”
There will also be more crying in that one hour than there is in an entire Lifetime movie, and more ridiculous interview questions than in a Miss America pageant.
As is my tradition, I pick three girls based solely on their pre-show photos to root for throughout the competition. If you don’t want to know anything about what’s going to happen on Wednesday night, I suggest you stop reading.
Right now I’m picking Alasia, which has a lot to do with the fact that her name reminds me of the word “aphasia” which reminds me of a joke from “Glee,” Ren, which has nothing to do with anything.