My heart skipped two beats when I read the front-page headline of this week’s Lawrentian: “Actress inspires Appleton community to embrace diversity.” I had no idea that Appleton had been shunning diversity to begin with, so imagine my surprise when I found out that not only had we not been embracing diversity, but that one woman was able to inspire an entire community to flip this tradition around and give diversity a great big bear hug.My mind was a blur as I pondered how this actress could have accomplished so much in so little time — had she gone door to door, explaining to each Appletonian how and why diversity ought to be embraced?
Or perhaps she took a more jarring route; something along the lines of throwing a trash can through the window of Sal’s Pizzeria, á la Spike Lee’s character in “Do the Right Thing,” thus somehow bringing the discussion of diversity to the forefront.
Regardless, this Miracle Actress clearly brought something to the Appleton community on Martin Luther King Jr. Day that no Martin Luther King Jr. Day speaker had brought before.
I devoured the first paragraph, aching to know what miracle hath transpired:
“Actress, comedian, and media personality Nancy Giles had the audience laughing and holding hands during her keynote address at the Martin Luther King Jr. Day service on Monday evening. A diverse cross-section of the Appleton community was represented at the event, held in the Memorial Chapel.”
Hold the proverbial phone. Not only is this miracle woman an actress, but also a comedian and media personality? Moreover, by the end of the ceremony, the entire audience was both laughing and holding hands (presumably unprompted by Giles, the Miracle Actress)? This is incredible.
My ecstatic internal celebration of the Miracle Actress was soon halted, however, when a thought occurred to me: Sure, her service was miraculous, but it’s not like a diverse cross-section of the Appleton community was represented at the event.
Chances are the only people who showed up were a few atypical Appletonians and a bunch of no-good jerks from Oshkosh. As I silently wept, bemoaning the lack of a diverse cross-section of the Appleton community being represented at the event, my mind raced back to the last sentence of the aforementioned paragraph: “A diverse cross-section of the Appleton community was represented at the event, held in the Memorial Chapel.”
“Oh glorious God who smiles upon me this night,” I exclaimed emphatically. “Thank you for giving unto us this Miracle Actress who, in a ceremony attended by a diverse cross-section of the Appleton community, hath single-handedly inspired the Appleton community to embrace diversity.” I collapsed then in my euphoria.