Staff Editorial: Café Ketchup Controversy :(

Over this past Spring Break, Kaplan’s Grill and Café enacted a major menu change. As of Monday, March 28 all beverages previously served in the Café have been replaced with room temperature ketchup. The Café announced the change by replacing the water in the Wellness Center pool with ketchup. “Dip Your Nuggets In Our Pool,” a massive billboard on Highway 41 reads. The change has received widespread criticism from the student body and the surrounding Appleton community. One common complaint is that the ketchup is too warm. “The ketchup is too warm,” said one student.

While some may miss the old specialty drinks that Lawrence used to offer, such as coffee and soda, we here at The Lawrentian have always been strong proponents of Bon Appétit’s decisions, and we urge students to look on the bright side. This menu change will certainly distinguish Lawrence from all of the other small, private liberal arts universities in Appleton, Wisconsin. We would also like to point out that according to our current President, Ronald Reagan, ketchup is a vegetable, so by stopping by the Café on the way to your 8:30 lecture and grabbing a large cup of not-so-steaming-hot tomato ketchup, you’ll be doing your body a huge favor. Now if you find it difficult to make yourself drink the whole cup of ketchup, we recommend pinching your nose as you drink, as that is the only scientifically proven method of consuming things like tomatoes, as one missing alumn’s capstone informed us.

How hot is too hot? Our undercover journalists spoke with reputable unnamed sources to determine the ideal temperature for a warm ketchup drink. As it turns out, ketchup reaches its prime at precisely 78.6 degrees fahrenheit. Any cooler than this, and the vinegar begins to separate from the tomato puree. Any warmer, and the ketchup comes dangerously close to the temperature of the human body. In order to allow the new ketchup drinks to reach their maximum warmth potential, the Café has invested in a state-of the-art piece of machinery called the Ketchup Roaster And Perfector (KRAP). The KRAP, purchased with the final dregs of the 2017 fiscal budget, is able to heat ten warm ketchup drinks at once. With the recent demand for cafe ketchup drinks, one KRAP might not even be enough.

When asked how they felt about the café’s mechanical investment, students had an overwhelmingly positive response. One community member said, “It’s pretty disgusting. Doesn’t fit the Warch aesthetic at all.” The rest of the reviews were equally as radiant.

Our board’s opinion is that ketchup is certainly the most versatile food out there. Amen, brother.