Just Give Up

Erin Campbell Watson

Dear ECW,
I feel like my hormones are out of control lately. Every guy I see in a pair of shorts sends me into fits. Last weekend at Peace and Harmony, I nearly grope-raped someone dressed in sparkly spandex and a vest against the Sig Ep basement wall. How can I control my springtime urges? It is starting to become embarrassing, and I am afraid that I might be getting too old to act so impulsively.
Horn Dog Dear Horn Dog,
No need. Springtime brings out the best in all of us, especially here at Lawrence, when we are recovering from a long, harsh winter. You are not the only one feeling those urges, so it’s definitely acceptable to act on them, especially as a senior. Two months from now, no one will remember your behavior at the Peace and Harmony party, and if they do, it will become the stuff of legends.
The themes of Lawrence’s spring parties – mainly Peace and Harmony, Not Exactly Naked, and really any Delt party – are practically begging partygoers to take their clothes off and get to know each other better, and serve as a breeding ground for pre-sexual activity.
At these parties you will observe some of the finest behavior on the Lawrence campus, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of, especially if you are dressed as a naughty nurse. So please, do not hesitate to act on all your impulses throughout spring term, and keep in mind that as you are grope-raping someone against the SigEp wall, it is probably happening in at least eight other places throughout the SigEp house alone.
Soon, this blissful time of carefree experimentation will be over, and it won’t be acceptable to behave this way in business casual at a corporate event, so act on those urges now. All of them. The entire Lawrence campus will appreciate it.