The Vino Review

Sean Grady

As the epicenter for pompous culture in the Fox Valley, Lawrence and its students should avoid beverages like “Montezuma Tequila” and “Milwaukee’s Best.” The poisoning of our $30,000 per year minds should be accomplished through the consumption of bottles of luxurious wines like Rothschild or Saint-Emilion. Unfortunately, the expenses of college may inhibit your ability to drink fine wine. Therefore, much like the prisoner of war forced to march ahead in a minefield at gunpoint, so I shall serve as the brave taster of less expensive, less distinguished wines.

Unlike hard liquor and beer, the inebriating effects of wine are like a warm hug. If no one deems you hug-worthy, a bottle of pleasant wine is the perfect solution for loneliness.

The potential dual effects of both warming the guts and pleasing the person you share your grape goodness with, who in turn will want to hug you, are enough to drive any rain-cloud away. Jesus was a big fan of wine, if you believe that sort of thing.

I’m starting with wines around $10 for the sake of the wallets of the average college student.

Malesan 2000 is an inexpensive Bordeaux and can be procured at any fine grocery outlet. Sad and watery, this wine exhibits all the characteristics of immaturity.

The bottle recommends an aging of 2 to 5 years, but would be put to a tastier and more practical use as a cooking agent immediately.

“That wine is [expletive deleted], I’m afraid,” quipped a friend, who wished not to be quoted. This wine receives a score of ** on the following scale:

* -1 asterisk = cut out my tongue and torch my nostrils, my senses are blighted

** -2 asterisks = unwholesome bodily excretions are more welcome

*** -3 asterisks = the vintner must hate people

**** -4 asterisks = only if I’m trashed

***** -5 asterisks = acceptable

I know this scale seems a bit unreasonable, but as Americans we must be entitled to things that are classier than we are and more expensive than we can afford.

The rules for enjoying a bottle of wine on campus:

1. Don’t smell the cork. It smells like cork, if you couldn’t tell.

2. Share. If you do not have friends now, you will soon.

3. If you insist on studying, only take a sip.

4. [Insert generic disclaimer regarding responsible drinking here.]

This list is by no means exhaustive, and I welcome any suggestions you may have. Although I have hit a proverbial landmine with the first bottle, I will tread ever forward into the delicious combat that is wine consumption.

If you have any ideas or wish to suggest a wine, you may contact me (Sean Grady) at x7269. Of course, the opinions in this article do not necessarily reflect the ideals and values of this newspaper, but they should.