The Downer Feminist Council brought a speaker to the chapel on Thursday to speak on an important issue in contemporary feminism. The group selected comedian Andrew Dice Clay because he is “an expert on the way men think.”“We didn’t know who else to get,” said DFC member Maggy McDonn, “Dr. Phil was busy talking to fat, middle-aged, depressed women, and Clay was the only qualified professional available on such short notice.”
The quandary DFC wanted Clay to decipher was a joke presented to freshman DFC member Christy Stevens by a brother of the Delta Tau Delta fraternity at a party several weeks earlier. The joke posed the question “Why don’t women wear watches? Because there are clocks on stoves.”
Stevens having been puzzled for several days, brought the topic up with fellow DFC members. When her fellow feminists could not help, the organization took action.
“We could think of a million different reasons for why a strong, independent woman could choose not to wear a watch, but none of them came close to the answer the Delt gave us,” said Stevens.
Clay gave a convocation style speech on the same stage where the “Vagina Monologues” were presented. He started out by explaining the concept of a “sense of humor,” then moving on to discuss the body, and, finally, the art-form of jokes. Audience members feverishly took notes and nodded as Clay gave several examples of his poetry to reinforce his points:
“Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider and sat down beside her and said, ‘What’s in the bowl, bitch?’” said Clay, trying to drive his point home.
“Look,” said Clay “women don’t wear watches because they’re always in the kitchen… THEY’RE ALWAYS IN THE KITCHEN!” Realizing that nothing was working, Clay decided to end the convocation on a high note. He presented his famous “Georgie Porgie” rhyme and walked off stage.
“Well, I still don’t get it,,” said Stevens, “but at least we got to hear some poetry.
A Bjorklunden retreat co-sponsoed by DFC and LCF is in the works for third term. There, the group will tackle such perplexing issues as “Two hands, two hooters, did God really know what he was doing?” and “What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Is telling her to get back to work a Christian thing to do?” Slated to speak at the weekend is the Reverend Jerry Falwell.