EDITORIAL: The F*ck Stops Here

Jessie Augustyn

In the past I have taken time out of my busy Lawrence schedule to criticize every aspect of life I view as unfit. And, as I criticize, I have constantly received letters complaining I am too harsh and judgmental. Last year to get as much complaining out at once, I simply outlined the people that I disliked in the hopes that seeing their faults in print, they would shed their ridiculous behavior (e.g. the elderly). Unfortunately, I now realize that simply pointing imperfections out to people is not enough. We must get to the root of the problem. The following is a list of people who ought not have sex, in case they might conceive and continue the cycle that threatens to destabilize our society:
Cool guitar guy, the club-footed, the visually impaired, Bono, those who preach about love, computer programmers, Matchbox 20, Brian Zaander, Logical Positivists, Bono, narcoleptics (for the obvious reasons), children with “special needs,” fans of The View, level 7 vegans, any former or present Mousekateers (especially Britney Spears), Swedes, Meatwad, fat people, any member of the band Dream Theater, Bono, feminists, dead people, people who like to have sex with dead people (Bono), the Cello studio, bearded midgets, quadriplegics, those who shrug their identity by changing their name/ignoring their gender, supporters of the Ayn Rand institute, Andy Dolan, the impotent, priests, alcoholics, Bono, people with ten or more children, supporters of a Palestinian state, high school kids who think they’ve discovered Led Zeppelin, lispers, people who bought the collectors edition of “The Exorcist”, Bea Arthur, the lovers, the dreamers, and me,…and Bono.