Outgoing Lwrenthin editors-in-chief Ryan Marx and Andrew Karre were relocated to the new Former Lwrenthin Employees’ House at 222 North Union Street last Wednesday. The house is equipped to meet the special needs of former Lwrenthin employees. Ryan and Andrew should be comfortable in their new soundproof, heavily padded, fully staffed home. Andrew looked particularly pleased when House Director Martha Ratched gave him his new Velcro shoes and elastic-waist pants.
Ryan and Andrew will no longer work for The Lwrenthin or represent the university (despite the business cards Andrew was recently seen passing out on College Avenue, which claimed that he was King of Lawrence). They will take part in a special academic curriculum, which emphasizes manners, communication skills, and tact in an attempt to develop social skills and aid community reintegration.
“Mr. Marx and Mr. Karre will learn that the world can and will continue without them and that other people are not ‘a bunch of feeble-minded idiots’ who ‘aren’t fit to breath the same air,’” said Nurse Ratched.
After classes, Andrew and Ryan will spend several hours a day with nice men in white coats, who will listen and take notes while Andrew tells them all about his favorite things: mean ol’ Paul Shrode, the decline of civilization, aliens, Beta conspiracies to ruin his life, and macram.
Ryan will spend some quality time with his own team of friendly analysts who will help him understand that everything will be okay and that the LUCC Finance Committee is not a cleverly encrypted name for the Beast. He has also taken up knitting.
“We’re also preparing nice rooms, complete with hydro- and electroshock therapy stations for Ms. Feller and Ms. Augustyn. We’re particularly looking forward to the arrival of Ms. Augustyn, for whom we’ve ordered an extra case of Thorazine,” commented Nurse Ratched.