The university recently signed an endorsement agreement with the local Erbert and Gerbert’s franchise. Erbert and Gerbert’s will replace its beloved cartoon character-based line of sandwiches with a line of subs and clubs named after Lawrence faculty. The deal will bring in an undisclosed amount for Lawrence University and add an element of post-modernity absent from the original menu.Highlights of the new menu will include the “Yumi,” based on a design by professor of studio art Yumi Roth. The sub will appear to feature hearts of romaine, avocado, spinach, alfalfa sprouts, hummus, and goat cheese on a whole-wheat bun. The sandwich will actually be made entirely of Formica and auto body filler.
The “Joy,” after statistics professor Joy Jordan, will feature peanut butter and grape jelly on a white bread with a touch of sunshine. Nine out of ten members of a focus group injured themselves smiling uncontrollably after sampling the “Joy.”
Professor Ed Kern designed the “Foucault,” though Erbert and Gerbert’s has not yet finalized a production version because the design clearly states that there is no sandwich maker, only a sandwich, and the sandwich is not complete until the diner adds her/his own mayonnaise.
Professor Tim Spurgin contributed the “Sandwhich?,” a sandwich that rejects the rigid categories of sub or club. The “Sandwhich?” will self-determine upon delivery. “Sub and club are fluid categories and can be transcended by individual sandwiches,” said Spurgin, who then laughed hysterically, drawing unnecessary attention to himself.
John Dreher has lent his input to the “Dewey,” a pragmatic mix of turkey, just enough of Aunt Martha’s mashed potatos, and all of the other essential components of a functional sandwich. The “Dewey” is guaranteed to stand up to constant and competent testing until you find a sandwich that works better.
The “Dewey” is served with doppelbock beer.
Erbert and Gerbert’s is particularly excited about the “Fritzell,” based on a design by Gertrude Stein for a baguette and adapted for the submarine sandwich by English professor Peter Fritzell. Fritzell’s only comment was “sign and signified, sign and signified,” followed by rather scary laughter.