Becoming a Lawrence couple –pm eek

Erik Wyse

With spring upon us, Lawrence couples are sprouting everywhere. Some of these couples will probably end in horrible fights — I’m only talking from my own experience — but a few of them will consummate in marriage and produce Lawrence legacy students. Many of our parents met at college; that was the norm for years and years. Though I feel these numbers have declined, there are still many marriages that come out of college.
I like to joke that I’m going to school to meet my future wife — getting my “Mrs. Degree,” so to speak. It would be nice to have someone else to take care of my living situation after college.
I’m probably not getting a job immediately, but I’m sure my future wife can provide for the time being — that is, until I write my first successful romance novel. We could live with her parents; then I would get free laundry, TV, internet and food — a pretty great situation. Independence is overrated anyway.
When I’m about to graduate and people start asking me what I’ll be doing after school, I can say, “I’m not sure, but I think Katie has it all planned out.” I picked “Katie” because I think a common name will only increase the chances of a girl reading this article and liking the idea of taming me, though I’m not sure this can be done. More on this later.
Now I’m going to try another approach: “I’m not sure, but _____ has it all planned out.” Hopefully some lucky lady can fill in the blank, because that would remove a lot of effort on my part.
Security after college is hard to come by these days, and having a future wife will only soften the blow of the real world. I’m not ready to be independent; I need someone else to help take care of me, to make sure I’m eating and sleeping right.
The alternative, doing it alone, is scary. I could end up a boozer or a brawler addicted to gambling and Hot Pockets. I’d probably have to live in a hotel so that I don’t have to clean up after myself. And hey, if breakfast is complimentary, that’s just one meal I don’t have to worry about, right?
As I alluded to earlier, I consider myself wild in nature, being civilized enough only to avoid euthanasia. Most of my communicating is done through hand gestures and facial expressions with the occasional nod thrown in for good measure.
Many of my friends may consider themselves civilized, but they are only kidding themselves. When we get together we’re like a pack of wild wolves, or more aptly a pack of wild otters, seeing as how we aren’t that intimidating or vicious.
School has not been able to tame me — I’m not prepared for the outside world, so hopefully I can have a partner who can help me assimilate and who happens to give great back massages.
My best option is to have a future wife waiting for me when I graduate, so I need to quickly start a serious relationship with a senior before they all graduate. I figure in the next year, while I’m finishing up school, she will be figuring out all the hard stuff like how to pay back loans, how to cook and where to live so that I can just settle in with no hassles when I do graduate. As far as appeasing my parents goes, they will be so delighted that I’m going to get married soon that they will let it slide that I don’t have a job or any direction.
I’m interested to see which relationships at Lawrence pan out and end up in unions. I can already see a few that wouldn’t surprise me. As for me, I’m hoping to jump on that gravy train and ride it to my own personal security.

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