When I tell people that my son is beyond stupid, they generally assume I’m just being cold, calloused, and cruel. For once, I am going to lay out the facts beforeI die so that you can see what I mean. It all started when he told me he was going to get married. I said he would have to move out if he wanted to do that and not to expect a cent from me because it was never going to work. He found that rather insulting and left before the day was out. When he came back a year later, he had amangy old donkey at his heels. My son claimed that this decrepit beast, who looked as if he had no business even being alive, was to make his fortune. With that, he started tugging on the wretched beast’s ears until one of them just fell off. I was furious and chased him off the premises. A year later, he came back again. This time he carried a rotting old table on his back. Claiming that he would never be hungry again, he thumped the deteriorating slab of wood parading as a piece of furniture on the floor and started shouting at it to ‘be covered’. Now do you see what I mean? Needless to say, I sent him running again. The time of year when he rolls around with his stupid schemes is now approaching again, but I doubt I’ll make it. I really have no desire to see what he comes up with next; perhaps it’ll be a shovel that can dig a magical well at his command, at least that way he’ll have something with which to dig my grave.
***
I’ll never forget the first time the boy came to my inn with that beautiful donkey. I turned him away at first because there was no way someone that tatteredand disheveled was going to be able to afford a room. Then, I saw him walk away a few feet and gently turn down one of the beast’s ears. You can imagine how staggered I was to see the gold come out of that donkey’s mouth. Of course, that night I swapped out this goldmine of beast for the mangy old ass I had. The boy wasnaïve enough to walk away with it. Thus began the blissful years of my life. When he showed up again, I foolishly denied him again. He didn’t have his gold-puking donkey to pay for his meal this time. But to my wonder, he now had a table that would cover itself with a magnificent feast at a word. Naturally, I took advantage of the silly lad again and swapped this table out with an old board I had locked up somewhere. The fool fell for it again too. Today’s the day he comes again and this time it looks like he’s carrying some sort of club or stick. I wonder if it shoots out wine or plays music?
***
Poor bloke never knew what hit him. He was a nasty thief and a cheat, though, so he had it coming. I will openly admit that it was incredibly naïve of me to have left the beast and the table free for the taking while I slept, but the innkeeper still deserved the club in the head. Now that I have this excellent club that strikes down all my enemies at my command, no one can take advantage of me again. I am mildly saddened by my father’s death. He was cruel but I had hoped to get the chance to show him that I wasn’t a completely useless nitwit. More importantly, however, now I can get married in peace and we will never be poor or hungry or threatened again.