The more you know

Erik Wyse

Most students come to Lawrence to try to successfully mate. I have been telling my family and friends for years that I hope to meet a motivated young professional so that I can fulfill my destiny of becoming a trophy husband.
Well, I have had no luck yet, but I’m not the only one trying. Dating is the most dangerous game, no matter what anyone tells you. Without a heart of stone you’re sure to get burned. The statistics tell us that nearly one half of all dates end in divorce.
As a self-proclaimed romantic I’m here to give you the tools you need to find that special sweet thang. A major problem is confusing hunger with attraction. How many times have you found yourself staring at someone realizing that your mouth is watering for a nice steak sandwich rather than for some prime kissing action? If you continue to confuse the two you could either die of hunger or, worse, get stuck with the wrong mate.
My advice: Find someone your own size and then your wardrobe will effectively double. This will also make it easier to buy matching tracksuits, ride tandem bicycles and have fake wrestling matches.
Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln used to wrestle Mary Todd Lincoln on the White House front lawn. He was quite the buck but she had the tenacity of 10 pit bulls. People would bring their wooden folding chairs from home in the hopes that President Lincoln might break it over Mary Todd’s head.
You want to quickly adopt pet names for each other – say after the first date or sex magic hour. Pet names are indeed the true markers of a healthy relationship. Some potential names include “sweet thang,” “honeysuckle,” “biscuit,” “caramel apple fritters” and “small falcon,” to name a few favorites.
It’s also never too early to create an ideal future for you and your honeysuckle of choice. You could both be young professionals having power lunches, drinking Michelob Ultra and consuming enough steak sandwiches to make Rodney Dangerfield blush. Maybe you’ll form a dynamic lounge-singing duo and set Atlantic City on fire. You could become a world famous jazzercise couple – the possibilities are as limitless as your bank accounts.
Now I want to take the time to talk about a delicate subject: that of role-playing. It’s more than likely that there will be a little hesitation to delve right into role-playing, but you have to dive into the lake to get wet.
Pick a role that is challenging both mentally and physically – you want to push yourself, but remember not to take yourself too seriously. The best roles require the use of elaborate costumes, funny accents and props. Role-playing can be a great way to get more use out of past Halloween costumes.
The real question now is, where does one find this lovely dove to make sweet music to? If you can’t find anything on Craigslist, your best bet might be the classroom.
Try not to sit too close to your person of interest lest you seem too eager. In discussion follow up anything he or she says with an affirmative thumbs up or make a comment on how good they look. Sure, the teacher might be confused, but your potential mate will undoubtedly melt like hot butter put in a microwave for 30 to 45 seconds.
After class wait around and ask if you can carry them to wherever they are going. This not only will demonstrate your physical prowess but will also establish both trust and solidarity with your carriage. Hopefully this person was not dropped as a child.
I’d like to close now with a short love poem I’ve just made up that you can feel free to use:
As a steak on a plate
I await your enveloping sauce
I will always remember
Remember the Alamo