Dear Jacob, what was the worst thing that has ever happened to you?
Signed, Sympathetic Sophomore.
Well, Sympathetic, the worst thing that’s ever happened to me happened over this past Spring Break. It wasn’t when my glasses were nearly crushed in amoshpit made up of overweight and middle-aged men at a punk show in Texas.
It wasn’t when I didn’t have enough money to buy back issues of **The Believer**, an obscure and rather pretentious literary magazine that I’m obsessed with, at an Austin bookstore.
No Sympathetic, the worst thing that’s ever happened to me was the time I saw the blu-rayedition of The Return of the Jedi. Thankfully, we didn’t watch the special edition of A New Hope; otherwise this entire article would have dissolved into a tirade that is summed up with the phrase “Han shot first.”
There are really only two options when it comes to talking about Star Wars with me: You either love Star Wars or you do not tell me your opinion on Star Wars. Also, there are only three Star Wars movies. Everyone repeat this with me. THERE ARE ONLY THREE STAR WARS MOVIES.
As I sat down to watch the film inSinfoniaHouse, I came to the realization that I was watching the special edition of the film with its many changes. I could trudge through the extended dance scene inJabba’spalace; theSarlacc’sbeak doesn’t bug me; but the addition of Haydn Christensen — aka: whinyAnakin — atthe end of the film caused more emotional damage than anything I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve had Mickey Mouse swear at me while at Disney World.
Ben Kenobi doesn’t appear as a younger version of himself and Yoda still shows up as the ancient and wrinkled step-son of the Jolly Green Giant, so why did George feel the need to include Haydn Christensen? To say that I was upset when I saw his mug at the end of the trilogy would be an understatement.
My memory is a bit hazy about the details of that night, but I’m pretty sure I tore the couch apart and yelled profanities at the TV that don’t even exist.
All of this may be new and confusing to a lot of you. I feel like there may be some readers who do not understand what is going on with this column. All I can say to them is this: This is Star Wars. It needs no explanation.
I used to be able to exist in a blissful ignorance, espousing on the sanctity of the original trilogy by declaring Episodes I, II and III as not being in continuity. However, George Lucas has forced my hand and combined the two into one unholy mess. I understand that this came out years ago, but I have very few things to write about, so deal with it.
If you have a topic that you want me to rant about or just want to tell me to shut up, e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.