The more you know

Erik Wyse

When Al Gore invented the Internet in Bill Clinton’s basement nearly 40 years ago he had no idea what a behemoth it would become. All it took was some pieces of hair, a human heart, thousands of tubes and a lightning strike and the Internet – or better yet, the Interwebs, as it is known to experts – was born. Today the Interwebs consumes more lives per day and per year than any other unnatural disaster.
Despite all its inherent dangers, there are many great things the Interwebs has to offer. It can introduce you to high-flying NBA basketball dunks, tell you why people eat sandwiches or even give you nice gifts.
Many people forego the everyday battles of real life in favor of fantasy battles with spells and axes. With the help of the Interwebs, countless wizards have been successfully sorted into their proper wizarding houses. How would America’s obese find the nearest all-you-can-eat buffet without the help of the Interwebs?
There are two sides, or two faces, to the Interwebs. I have already shown you Nicholas Cage, now let me show you John Travolta. John Travolta may be great at dancing and smiling but he is not to be trusted. Don’t be fooled by all the Interwebs’ sights and sounds, as there is no greater liar than the Interwebs. It will make great promises, tempt you and then take your credit card number – and nine months later you’re bankrupt and eating 3-D Doritos in your car with a cardboard cutout of John Stamos as your only friend.
The Interwebs is full of imaginary coliseums and imaginary brothels that manipulate the very real temptations and aggression that would be better satiated in the coliseums and brothels of Las Vegas.
The mention of Las Vegas brings me to my next point: What happens on the Interwebs does not always stay on the Interwebs. People are losing their jobs because they are having too much fun, and then inserting it into the tubes for everyone to see. Pretty soon all your closest friends and family will know that you really like red cups and dancing!
So, what does the future hold? Can humanity rise up and defeat the Interwebs or have we become far too entangled in the tubes?
One possible option might be to send so much information into the tubes that John Travolta and Nicholas Cage, the two faces of the machine, can’t handle it and are blown up. Another option might be to assemble a team of top-notch scientists who are also really good looking, shrink them in size and have them infiltrate the tubes.
Regardless, a decision must be made. Do we fall into the electronic slumber, or do we cut the webs that entangle us? The situation might not appear all that pressing to Lawrentians because the Interwebs is weak here, but I assure you it is a very real problem.
Humanity has defeated a planet of apes, blown up the dinosaurs and cleaned the sores of syphilis – can we not also win against the machine? As fictional president Bill Pullman said in the popular film “Independence Day”: “We will not go quietly into the night!