Just Give Up

Erin Watson

Dear ECW,
I recently spotted an extreme cutie at a dog training competition. The opportunity to go on a date with someone who shares such an obscure interest is so rare, especially because most of the other people I run into at these competitions are beefy retired police chiefs and soccer moms with inferiority complexes. I was scared to approach her because we have to wear these really dorky vests with German Sheppards on them. Still, I cannot stop thinking about her Nordic beauty and the authoritative way she paraded her canine companion through the simulated burning building obstacle course.
-SantoDear Santo,
It is standard procedure that if you are already at an embarrassing event, it is okay to acknowledge your presence and talk to the girl of your dreams. Considering the aforementioned attire, there’s really not much lower you can go. At least you’ll know that if she can love you in a German Sheppard vest, she can love you no matter what. And you’ll have something great to talk about on your first date.

Dear ECW,
My secret crush just asked me if I would make a Halloween costume for him, and indicated that he wanted us to have matching costumes. Does this mean he likes me to, or does it just mean that he thinks I’m good with costumes?
Hopeful Smurfette

Dear Smurfette,
Although many people secretly long to don a Smurf costume with the one they love, I can’t really say it’s a clear indication of anything other than the need for a last minute costume. This does mean, however, that you will probably have to spend most of the night plastered to your secret crush’s side, if you want people to understand the hilarity of your matching costumes. If you spend all your time crafting the perfect costume, and your craftsmanship is impeccable, people will probably spend most of the night complimenting his costume, at which time he’ll have to admit that you made it. The more he reaffirms what a great job you did performing a common domestic task, the more he will inevitably be drawn to you. As long as you keep the Keystone Light flowing, I can all but ensure a hook-up by the end of the evening.

Erin Campbell Watson is qualified to advise you on even the most ridiculous of romantic situations, because she has been in every possible undesirable romantic situation herself, and emerged alive. If you are James Antony, you may email your queries to watsone@lawrence.edu