Problems in Your Pants

Steve Schnorr

I have many pairs of pants: jeans, sweats, kakis — they all serve me well in their respective environments. Pants are a very important part of our wardrobes. They help you project yourself as anything from fashion conscious to foolhardy. What puzzles me is when the intent and style of pants is out of whack.
Call me traditionalist, but I think that the name of the pair of pants you strap on every morning should be associated with what you are doing. I understand that we are not at a catholic high school — thank god — but it is my inclination that when attending classes, you should look like you’re attending classes.
I vividly remember donning a pair of slim-fitting, dark-wash jeans and wearing the jeans to my first day of classes my freshman year, only to discover that a third of my Freshman Studies class was wearing sleep pants! If you intend to sleep in class, then by all means pull on a pair of gnarly plaid disasters.
Likewise, if you intend to do pushups and crunches for a full 70 minutes, then a pair of stinky grey sweatpants should suit your fancy just fine. If you want to participate in a debate about Shakespeare, put on some real pants.
Another bone I have to pick with the pants here at LU has to do with leggings. Since when did black tights become a viable option for covering your keister? I understand if you feel the need to display your assets at Pilates or Yoga class, where various positions are so provocative they can almost be construed as foreplay, but these puppies are everywhere!
Remember your friend’s mom back in middle school who wore those nasty teal stretch pants? Is it weird to anyone else that leggings — essentially the same thing — are now in vogue?
All people have the right to dress in a way that makes them feel attractive, but sometimes a butt in your face every 15 feet can be a bit much. I can understand that it’s fun to show off your new underwear, or even that you’re not wearing any, but do you really want me and everybody else to know it?
But enough complaining. An article about pants can only be so alluring, and if you’ve made it to this juncture I applaud you. In this vein I ask that you take away this from the article: If you want to look and be treated like a slob, dress like one. If you want everyone to notice your butt, plaster some leggings on your posterior. If you don’t want either of these things, try on a pair with a zipper and a button. Thank goodness winter is coming and snow pants will soon be all but the only way to persevere through the Wisconsin winter.
Happy Holidays,
Steve out.