EDITORIAL: Cookie commie ruins day

Jesse Heath

I had just sat down at Downer, ready to try and ingest another starch-laden “meal” for dinner, when a friend of mine sat down. He had a very distressed look on his face. Before I could ask what the problem was, he launched into a story of injustice.This friend of mine had been accused of a criminal act. It was not an inconsequential crime that you can read about in the newspapers every day. No, my friend was charged with a crime that is so heinous, so unthinkable, that it is only attempted by a few wicked souls out of total contempt for humanity. Yes, as you may have guessed by now, my friend was accused of cookie hording!

In the old Soviet Union, my friend would have been called an “Enemy of the People.” The only reason why I am willing to still refer to this person as my friend is that he was falsely accused, as I will attempt to show further.

You may ask, “How could he be accused of such a thing?”

I will tell you.

My friend had set his tray down in dining room B; however, he soon realized that no cookies were available in dining room B and proceeded to check dining room A. There were (peanut butter) cookies in dining room A and my friend decided that 3 cookies would cure his appetite for a tasty dessert. It is at this point that my friend makes the fatal mistake of deciding to walk back to dining room B from dining room A with the 3 cookies in his hand.

All of a sudden, an authoritarian voice screeches, “I sure hope you’re planning to eat those in here…”

My friend halts, a cold sweat forms on his brow. He slowly turns around without making any sudden movements and stares back at the old battleaxe that has accused him.

She screeches on, “Because if you don’t, I’ll have to write up an Incident Report.”

My friend explains, “Well, it’s a good thing I just set my tray down and am about to eat…in here.”

Battleaxe replies, “Well, that is good.”

My friend: “Yes, it is.”

Realizing but not acknowledging her mistake, Battleaxe marched off in search of other Enemies of the People. My friend moves on, shaken but not deterred, and we enjoy our nutritious meals.

This whole drama would be quite pointless to put in a newspaper, except that it has happened many times to a lot of other people I’ve talked to. There is not a problem with most of the people there who prepare and serve the food. However, it seems that for some of Downer’s management, there is nothing more important to be done than marching around enforcing Draconian policies that prevent students from taking more than their “allotment” of “food”.

Do we really need such pointless rules with such aggressive enforcement for college students? Perhaps statues of Comrade Stalin ought to be erected in front of Downer as a warning to all bourgeois scum that would think of taking more than their share of cookies. Or maybe Downer’s management should just chill out.