Hot pants discussion

Erik Wyse

I have faced a great struggle over the past few weeks. A weighty question has been at the back of my mind all term and I fear I can hold it in no longer: Why do people choose to wear pants?
Okay, I can understand the basic facilities pants offer: They provide some warmth and they have pockets to hold things in. But they are just so disgusting. As I walk to class each day I find myself staring up at the heavens in order to avoid gazing upon the pants of my fellow classmates.
Really, you’re wearing pants into the campus center – a facility so nice Jesus himself must have provided the blueprint.
Wearing pants in your room is one thing, but going to class in pants is just a sign of disrespect towards your professors. It says to me, “I’ve got something to hide in our relationship.” Are you really that insecure that you have to wear fabric over your naked limbs? At least have the decency to wear some daisy dukes.
Can’t we Americans all agree that pants are oppressive? The American Indians never wore pants until the colonists duped them into trading the Great American West for some dungarees.
Many great spiritual leaders and liberators famously went sans pants. Gandhi didn’t wear pants – why should you? “Be the change you wish to see in the world” and change out of your pants. Feel the cool autumn breeze on your leg skin. Bring some much-needed sun to your upper thighs. Sunny D is not the only way to get vitamin D. Our legs are our transportation through the world; it’s time we started showing them more respect and stop covering them up like a nephew in a cupboard.
In a world without pants, everyone is king. I imagine a world where everyone is running around, their legs liberated, their souls smiling. We will gather around a great pants fire – every one of us – and say goodbye to waist sizes forever. No longer shall we be tempted by the material comforts of pants, instead moving forward and forming the New World Order.
You know what’s dangerous about pants? They can catch on fire, becoming very literal and painful hot pants. Pants are also very filthy creatures. Pants get really dirty when you’re always wiping your hands on them. Every time someone walks into the library or Our Holy Warch with pants on they are bringing in all the condiment stains they have been accruing on their pants. I don’t want to have to figure out which President your barbecue stain looks like!
Also, pants contribute to over 90 percent of the lint that covers the Earth! Think about that: About 90 percent of the deadly laundromat fires that occur were caused by pants. If you don’t like deadly laundromat fires it follows that you shouldn’t like pants.
Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t like eating, talking or thinking near pants. You are not at Gap – this is a university. Pants look puritanical and are disrespectful. Do you pants-wearing folk even understand the full implications of wearing pants? You are directly supporting patriarchy and the capitalist system every time you zip up – don’t get me started on pants with buttons instead of zippers.
When you wake up and get out of bed, go straight to class. Think of the freedom you will gain when you no longer worry yourself with pants. No more balancing acts, putting one leg into oppression at a time. Please, my fellow Lawrentians, have the decency to take your pants off!

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