In keeping with Lawrence’s new policy of not requiring the ACT/SAT for incoming students, it will no longer require the Ph.D. for incoming faculty. According to Dean of Faculty Kathleen Murray, “all of those Ph.D. requirements create undue anxiety, stress, and angst among potential Lawrence faculty. The Ph.D. is actually pretty hard to get and we don’t want to hire a bunch of wigged-out incoming faculty who are requirement-obsessed.” Murray was careful to note that this is a Ph.D-optional, not a no-Ph.D. policy. “It’s not like we absolutely won’t hire someone with a Ph.D.,” Murray said, “We think this will really expand the pool of applicants ********– I tested this out informally on College Avenue last Saturday night and there seems to be a lot of interest among folks in being a college professor if they didn’t have to have a Ph.D.”
Professor Bertrand Goldgar surprised his colleagues by praising the Ph.D-optional policy. “I think this is the best thing Lawrence has ever done,” gushed the normally cantankerous Goldgar. He supports the policy because it has allowed him to unburden himself of a long-kept personal secret ********– Goldgar never earned the Ph.D.
“You’ve got to understand that way back when I was a schoolboy in the South we never heard of those things,” Goldgar explained, “I don’t think they were even invented yet.”
Goldgar’s news came as quite a shock to members of his usual Grill lunch table. Professor Karen Carr, who was careful to note that she actually has a Ph.D., observed that “Goldgar had us all bamboozled. He’s such a curmudgeon that we all just assumed he had to be a Ph.D.” Others at the lunch table suggested that Goldgar ought to be “sent back to school to get a proper education.”
Goldgar, however, says that he has no plans to “be schooled.”
Interviewed as he was about to teach his class, Goldgar stated that now that his secret is revealed he can “teach in the manner I’ve always wanted to.” As class began, Goldgar instructed students to place all of the desks in a circle and gleefully declared “Today we’re going to talk about our feelings…
Lawrence Faculty Goes Ph.D-optional -dlh
